Diary of a Madman...

Black Snake Moan

2010-06-25T14:22:00.070-04:00

I went for a run yesterday morning in the park behind my house. There is a really nice trail there that goes through a meadow and wetlands, under grand, spreading trees and by the river. It is also nice because one lap around the trail is pretty close to a mile...makes it easy to measure your distance (okay, okay...it's under a mile and I have a tendency to round up...so shoot me). It was a beautiful morning for a run and I was thoroughly enjoying myself. I had made several laps around and was feeling 'in the zone', which may explain why, when I came around one of the turns, I almost trod right on a great, big, black snake. He was laying stretched out across the trail and seemed to just be sunning himself, as he wasn't moving. I have been running this trail a lot in the last couple years and I had never seen a snake out there. This was quite a snake too...had to be more than 3 feet long and had quite a girth. He was a very shiny black color and looked very intimidating. But, since he was a black snake and I have always heard that they are harmless, I just side stepped around him and continued on my way. As I passed him, he didn't even seem to take notice of me. When I came around on my next lap, I was surprised to see that he was gone. I just chalked it up as one of those 'interesting things that happened on my run' stories.

Then, around six last night, I went up to the office at my apartment complex to pick up some packages that had been delivered there. Usually I drive up, but decided that I could use a walk. When I turned down the path that leads to the side door of the office, I noticed that there was a group of people just inside the door. The gym is right there, so I just figured that they knew each other, maybe had just finished at the gym, and were standing there talking. When I got to just a few steps from the door, I realized they were looking out...and down. I glanced down and, right where I was about to step, there was another very large, black snake. This one also was just laying there calmly, so I stepped around it and went in the door. When I left, a few minutes later, he was gone with no sign he had been there. Two big, black snakes trying to get me to step on them in one day seemed a bit odd, so I told myself that I should try to look up the spiritual meaning of snakes...but, when I got home, I opened my packages and got absorbed in them so I forgot about the snakes.

I don't usually dream...at least I don't usually remember my dreams. However, last night I had a dream of a big, black snake. I don't remember the details, but when I woke up I had the feeling that it was significant. I realize that seeing two snakes in one day could just be a coincidence and, after seeing them, dreaming of a snake may not be all that surprising. But, I was left with the feeling that there was some kind of message for me or some meaning behind it and that I should at least see what google had to say about it. Here is what the first hit had to say:

In writing about Snake Symbolism, Gillian Holloway, Ph.D. wrote, "People who are dying or who have lost a loved one often dream of snakes, at or near the time of death. For whatever reason, these dreams seem involved with the psychic awareness of the transition from this life to the next...."

Hmm...and this all happened just about a week away from the one year anniversary of my mom's death...interesting, no?

Happy Birthday!

2010-04-27T08:41:00.001-04:00

Birthdays are a special time,

A time to reminisce.

A time to think what life has brought,

All the sadness and the bliss.

A time for celebrating,

With those that we hold dear

All the things in life that shaped us

And brought us another year.

I hope your day is special

You deserve all the best,

Surrounded by love and laughter

With a life that's truly blessed.

A Look Back...My Newfoundland Journal

2010-03-16T01:58:00.000-04:00

I spent a week in Newfoundland a few years ago. I went there to run the marathon and spent the week prior just driving around the country, seeing what I could see. This trip was a lot of firsts for me...first time to Newfoundland, first time running a marathon in another country, first vacation with no real reservations or plans, and it was the first time I have ever kept a journal. I was doing some cleaning this past weekend and stumbled across that journal. I read through the entries and was able, in some small part, to recapture the wonderful, fresh, and exciting feeling that I had on that trip. I decided I wanted to share that feeling if I could, or, failing that, at least provide some entertainment. So, to that end, here is my Newfoundland journal...

********

9/10/2007

I spent the morning at the North Atlantic Aviation Museum. Kind of interesting and I think I got some good pictures. Also went to the Tourist Center/Chamber of Commerce to get some maps. Interesting that many places appear to have free internet service for customer use. You never see that in the States. Still no sign of my luggage…called to check on it but got someone in India who was just reading a script. I hate that! Stopped at a dollar store to buy this notebook and picked up a Mars bar. It’s just a Milky Way in a different wrapper, go figure. Resisted the urge to buy a Big Turk…can always get one later. Think now I will run by the airport to see if that yields better results.

Well, no luggage yet, but it may be on its way. It’s hard to be upset with the Air Canada people because they are so nice. I had a very pleasant conversation with them about things to do while I’m in Newfoundland. Seems there is a possibility I will see some bear and moose…how cool is that? Now I’m going to grab some lunch and then head to the Silent Witness Memorial (a memorial for the troops and crew who lost their lives in the worst air disaster ever on Canadian soil). Hopefully, after that, my luggage will be here.

The memorial was nice, down by Lake Gander. It started to rain, but not too badly. I also stopped at the Howe Demonstration Forest and hiked a couple of trails there. There was a sign warning that moose and bear had been sighted, but I didn’t see any *sigh*. The visitors’ center had some cool stuffed animals…lynx, fox, coyote (we’re talking taxidermy here, not plush toys). They were very life-like, so I got some pics of them. I stopped for lunch at McDonalds, not sure why I didn’t go someplace better. Now it’s time to check on my luggage again. I really hope it is there now.

Well...things are not going smoothly. My luggage has disappeared without a trace. I am giving up and heading to St Alban's...if they find my luggage; it will be sent to me.

Yay! My luggage was found and I will get it in the morning. Newfoundland is so beautiful, all pine trees and water. The only annoying thing is that the roads have no shoulder, so there is no way to pull over and take pictures.

St Alban’s is really beautiful in a picturesque bay kind of way. People here are so friendly. Just spent a bit of time with Claude, the bartender at the Pub Lounge, and had a great conversation. He even gave me my 2nd beer free. Came back to the Inn and, even though the restaurant was closed, they made me a sandwich and fries that were delicious. I love this place.

OMG! I just saw something you never see in the States anymore. A car pulled up to the local gas station and an attendant actually came out to pump the gas…amazing! The thing you really notice in St Alban’s at night is how dark and quiet it is. I don’t think I have experienced quiet like this since I was in the mountains at Virginia Tech. It is so wonderful.

I went back to the Pub for a couple more beers and a little video poker. Had fun and enjoyed the Molson Canadian.

9/11/2007

Darn it! I got up this morning and no sign of my luggage. I’m gonna have to buy clothes if it doesn’t show up soon…I’m sick of wearing the same thing.

I just had an excellent breakfast at the Inn. Now I think I will do some more exploring and get some pictures.

Finished exploring and came back to the Inn to find that my bag still wasn’t here. Decided to walk up the road to Riff’s to buy a shirt…really tired of the one I am wearing. Came back to the Inn, changed into my new shirt and got lunch. Of course, now that I had broken down and bought a shirt, my bag decided to show up. Oh well, I’m just glad to have it. I meandered down the road and stopped for a beer and a chat with Claude. He told me that St Alban’s is known for raising beautiful girls. Tonight is ladies dart night, but Claude thinks all the hot girls are off to school…but their moms will be there. Since I am here tonight, I guess I won’t want to miss it. Went down to the library to check my email…looks like the world is surviving without me. This is such an incredibly peaceful place, I am doing just fine without the world as well. Think now I will go for a little drive around.

Drove around a bit and got some good pictures. Stopped and finally got that Big Turk bar…mm-mm. Came back to the Inn and planned the next part of my journey. I like it here but it is getting to be time to move on. Before that happens though, I am going to check out ladies dart night at the Pub.

9/12/2007

Wow! Ladies dart night kicked my butt. Of course, that could have something to do with the two shots of Screech that I drank. I bought one just to see what all the fuss was about and Claude threw in the second one for free. He said that two was my limit though…and it’s a good thing. The ladies of the aforementioned dart night didn’t really trust me at first because of my camera (guess they don’t get too many tourists here), but by the end of the night, we were all fast friends. I even met the mayor and got invited to her husband’s 50th birthday party in November. She asked me to stop by her office in the morning because she liked some of the pictures I had taken of the town and wanted to get copies. It seems that she is not just the mayor, but also works at the Coast of Bays Arts & Exploration Centre. I’m definitely feeling fuzzy this morning (thanks Screech) but it is time to move on.

Left St Alban’s and headed north. I did stop by the Centre and got the mayor’s card with her email address to send pictures. She was very nice (and perhaps a bit worse for the late night), gave me a tour and let me watch a short movie on the Coast of Bays. Said my goodbyes and headed on my way. I drove for a while and found that I needed a pit stop, so I took a random exit and ended up in Norris Arm North. It was very pretty, being right on the water and all, but not much there…and no bathroom. Got back on the highway and found that the very next exit was the one I wanted, the one that led to Twillingate. Of course, there were all kinds of places to stop off that exit. Could have saved myself some time and some bladder stress if I had come straight to this exit…but then, I guess I wouldn’t have seen Norris Arm. I used the bathroom at Tim Horton’s and then had lunch there. Gassed up and headed out on the road again. Made a couple of stops for pictures, during one of which I met a nice couple who said not to miss the Twillingate lighthouse. Continued on and finally made it to Twillingate. The town was a typical waterside village…very scenic with a nautical flair. Headed to the lighthouse and was amazed when I got there. It was like the end of the earth…sheer cliffs and then nothing but ocean. I scrambled around on all the trails and took a slew of photos. The sun was out and the weather was gorgeous. I actually needed to shed my jacket due to the warmth. It was a welcome change after cold rain all morning. I stayed in Twillingate for a couple of hours just taking pictures and soaking it in. As the sun sank beautifully below the horizon, I decided it was time for me to move on to my next destination, Salvage (rhymes with rage).

I made it to Gander, about an hour from Salvage, but too tired to go on. Got a room at the Sinbad for the night and will head to Salvage in the morning. So, the Sinbad advertised a business center, which the desk clerk told me was a room with a computer, fax machine, and copier. I went to check my email but found that the computer was gone. The monitor, keyboard, and mouse were all there and the cables were all unplugged and laying on the floor, but no sign of the CPU. Discouraged at this, I went to the bar, but I did not have a drink…not after the extravaganza of ladies dart night last night. Played a little video poker and really cleaned up. I put $20 in and got $48 out…not bad, hunh? Then it was definitely time for bed.

A couple of notes on Canada…or Newfoundland anyway:

1. People walk everywhere. There are always people out walking along the road. I thought maybe they did it in St Alban’s because it is such a small town, but seems to be true everywhere.

2. Bathroom light switches are outside of the bathroom. I have yet to find a light switch in a bathroom. Makes sense I guess, as you never have to walk into a dark room.

3. Housekeeping means efficiency. When I was checking in at the Sinbad, the clerk said all she had was housekeeping. I pictured myself sleeping amidst piles of sheets and towels, but she meant a room with a stove and fridge.

9/13/2007

I slept really well…although I did have some strange dreams. One was a very odd episode of Magnum PI where Higgins ended up in a cage with a woman wearing a blanket. Luckily, I woke up before it got any more bizarre. Now I think it is time to see about breakfast and head to Salvage.

Drove to Salvage and found the hiking trails. I spent several hours going up and down the surrounding hills. I saw some incredible views and captured it all on camera. It was so much fun that I thoroughly enjoyed myself. On the way out of town, I found the beach (Salvage is supposed to be a beach town). I didn’t think it looked like much of a beach, but I took a few pictures and met a nice woman who was enjoying the day reading in the sun. I bade farewell to her and to the beach, and headed toward the town of Trinity.

On the road to Trinity, AOL called me. Seems there was some kind of problem at work. Great! That’s just what I wanted, to talk to work. After struggling to find a signal in the rough hills between Salvage and Trinity, I was able to lend what assistance I could and then continued on to Trinity.

Arrived in Trinity and got a room at one of the B&B’s in town. It was called Bishop White Manor and I was in no less than the Bishop White room itself, which apparently features the bishop’s very own bed. I took a walk around the town to see the sights and found Trinity to be a very quaint, cute little town.

********

Unfortunately, it was at that point that I, for some reason I no longer remember, stopped keeping a travel journal. I hope that the few days that I have detailed and the links that I provided have in some way shown what an amazing time I had on this trip...or maybe they have kindled an interest in taking your own trip to Newfoundland. In any case, I hope you enjoyed reading my journal (Lord knows, you must have to make it all the way to here) and may all your journeys be awesome adventures.

Mmm...Fritos and Mountain Dew

2010-02-19T13:08:00.000-05:00

I posted this on Facebook a few days ago but I like it so much I figured I would put it on my blog as well:

A Look Back at the Year of the Ox

2010-01-08T02:08:00.000-05:00

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2009 was the year of the Ox (or Buffalo). Here is what I found out about an Ox year...

We will feel the yoke of responsibility coming down on us this year. No success can be achieved without conscientious efforts. The trials and tribulations the Ox year brings will be mainly on the home front. It is a good time to settle domestic affairs and put your house in order.

This year will no doubt bear fruit, but the motto is: "No work, no pay!" Time waits for no man; if we are too lazy to sow then we can blame no one if we have nothing to reap. We will find a great many things requiring our attention, and the list of what needs to be done will seem endless. The Spartan influence of the Ox will be a constantly cracking whip over our heads. Better to apply oneself diligently than waste time arguing with the authorities. They will prevail, as the year of the Ox favors discipline.

Most conflicts this year will arise more from a lack of communication and refusal to give in on small technicalities than anything else. But hang on and be patient. Everything will be sorted out and we will be rewarded for our efforts.

So let's just take a closer look at my Ox Year...here is a month by month listing of events, milestones, and various and sundry "stuff":

January

Vertical Tasting - My very first vertical, Breaux's Cabernet, and I am sure it will not be the last. What's not to love...excellent wine, great company, and...my goodness...there is a lot of wine to taste.
The Darkest Day - My spirit was broken and my heart was shattered, but something inside of me was freed...this is when I started to really write poetry again.

February

The Dark Continent - Headed to Africa for an incredible safari, my birthday on Mt Kilimanjaro, and beach time on Zanzibar...not to mention the massages, tarot readings, and fire ceremony. Shared a room with someone who started out as a complete stranger (no, that isn't commentary on how odd they were) and ended up as an awesome friend.
Miami Bound - Headed south for warm weather and a workshop on an energy system that was new to me. Made it about half way through before I realized I needed to flee or risk becoming part of a cult.

March

Opportunity Knocks - Yes, after a glorious year and a half without a job...I mean, seriously, does anyone else do unemployed as well as I do...I was made an offer I couldn't refuse and rejoined the work force. Good grief! I hate being a productive member of society.
The End of a Career - When the aforementioned job started, I had to say goodye to my career as a massage therapist before it even began. Not to worry though, my hands are still magic and are available on a pro bono basis.

April

The Enneagram - I discovered this amazing system of the nine basic personality types of human nature and their complex interrelationships. I learned a lot about myself and my patterns. I'm a Type 9...The Easygoing, Self-Effacing Type: Receptive, Reassuring, Agreeable, and Complacent...no, really...I am.
American Odyssey Relay - Participated in a twelve person relay race from Gettysburg, PA to Washington, DC. Lessons learned: don't try running after wolfing down a quarter pounder with cheese and fries, don't try to sustain a 7 minute mile pace while running uphill, don't miss a turn in the darkness of the overnight runs, never forget to bring along a sleeping bag, and...200 mile relay runs are an incredible amount of fun, especially when you are running with awesome people.

May

Healing Touch - Had my first experience with this energy healing that would later have a huge impact on my life. It brought about very subtle but amazing changes in my body, mind, and spirit...thanks Stacy!
Road Trip to Denver - Made a cross country road trip with a good friend. It was basically a non-stop blur, except for a brief stop in St Louis. Highlights of the trip were the City Museum (an eclectic mixture of children's playground, funhouse, surrealistic pavilion, and architectural marvel made out of unique, found objects), Pappy's Smokehouse (mmm...the Big Ben), and Nederland (otherwise known as Hippieville).
Erin Go Bragh - Took my first real trip to Europe and went to Dublin for two weeks of "training" for work. Hung out at the Hairy Lemon pub, saw the Book of Kells (even more amazing in person!), and visited the Guiness Storehouse...I have said it before and I'll say it again...the Guiness is so much better over there.

June

Beach Wedding - Headed to Florida to see my niece married on Pensacola Beach. What could be better than nuptials amongst the sand and surf? Attending with one of my very best friends, that's what.
Healing Touch Class - I so enjoyed my Healing Touch sessions, I decided to learn how to be a practitioner. What an amazing, energy-filled, healing weekend!

July

End of an Era - After a very long battle, my mother succombed to breast cancer. While this saddens me greatly, I was able to ease her pain with some Healing Touch and so shared a moment with her that I will remember for ever.

August

Sailing Takes Me Away - Helped my friend sail his boat from Shoansy in Deltaville, VA back to Washington Marina in DC. With our brave and sure skipper and our amazing motley crew, we managed to survive the stairs of doom, the Shoansy bear, the vagaries of the wind, and, worst of all, Dragon Joose.
My New Roommate - An old friend of mine, Keone, came to live with me. Unlike other women, she and I don't fight over the bathroom...but she does lose more hair than most.

September

Jimmy Buffett - Discovered the secret to really enjoying this concert...keep tailgating! Cheaper drinks, comfortable seats, music at a tolerable level, and, best of all, took only two minutes to get out of the parking lot. Nothing says Buffett like gallon jugs of tequila and kitty litter toilets.
U2 - Got club level seats from work for the 360° tour. One of the most amazing shows I have ever seen on a stage that holds the world record for the largest concert structure. One valuable lesson learned...if it is cold outside and the drinks are on the bus, stay on the bus.

October

Swine Flu - Had a little visit from H1N1. Got me out of a week of work, but I would hardly say it was worth it.
Marine Corps Marathon - Did not have a great race as I had muscle spasms around mile 21 and had to walk quite a bit. On the plus side, I raised money for St Judes...and started the great Chuck Norris debate.

November

5k Mania - Ran three 5k's the week of Thanksgiving, with two of them being on the same day. Managed to do very well, posting sub sevens in two and just slightly higher in the other...however, I did end up with a bit of an injury.
Orphan's Thanksgiving - Joined some friends who were not going to spend Thanksgiving with family for a potluck dinner. Had a fanshmabulous time and one of the best Thanksgivings ever.

December

Vegas, Baby - Went with a group of friends to Las Vegas to run the Rock n' Roll Half Marathon. Had a great time at the race, visited the grand Canyon in a helicopter, saw Cirque du Soleil's O, and, best of all, played UFO Stomper (think Guitar Hero for the feet).
O, Canada! - Took off for the great white north to visit a friend and see the sights of Toronto. Visited the Hockey Hall of Fame (saw the Stanley Cup), went to the top of the CN Tower (the world's highest observation deck), got to wander and wonder around the shores of Lake Ontario, and finally got to see Niagara Falls. Resisted the urge to go over the falls and was able to smuggle back some Tim Horton goods.
Charlottesville Blizzard - Went to Charlottesville for the weekend to see a shaman and visit some wineries. Was amazed by the shaman but the wineries never happened due to the excessive amount of snow that came hurtling out of the sky. The weekend was not a total loss though...got snowed in at the best B&B with the best backgammon partner ever.
Christmas - Had the orphans over to my place for a Christmas brunch, mimosas, and gifts all around...not the least of which was sharing the pleasure of each other's company. This marked the first time I have ever had people over on Christmas and, while I can't speak for everyone, I thought it was marvelous fun.
New Year's Eve - I had the most wonderful New Year's Eve ever! You just can't go wrong with a tux, a bottle of Dom, and six of the loveliest ladies ever.

Hmm...trials and tribulations on the home front...no work, no pay!...the sowing and the reaping...a constantly cracking whip over my head...I see all of that in my year, and it made most of the year very unpleasant if not downright miserable. Thankfully, I was able to hang on and be patient (well, for the most part), everything seems to have sorted itself out, and I definitely feel that I was rewarded with how the year ended...although I don't think it was from my efforts.

Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Night

2009-12-26T00:06:00.002-05:00

When the weather turns cold

And the snow starts to fly

When the leaves all fall

And all the flowers die

Don't be downhearted

And be of good cheer

It simply means

That rebirth is near

A time to reflect

On all that we've done

A time to ponder

What we'll become

So we all celebrate

The days and the nights

With parties and gifts

And bright colored lights

But the most important thing

At this time of year

Is family and friends

All those we hold dear

With love in my heart

I wish all of you

A very Merry Christmas

And Happy New Year too!

A Walk in the Woods

2009-12-17T17:44:00.001-05:00

Walking in a winter rain

I'm suddenly filled with joy

It's cold and wet and muddy

But I feel just like a boy

Splashing through the puddles,

And sliding on the ice

Wondering at the beauty

Of nature's every device

My laughter keeps me warm

And my heart shows me the way

As I hike through the woods

On this cold, wet winter's day

This Magic Moment

2009-11-19T21:13:00.004-05:00

Often times I wonder

How my life would be

If each new day began

A clean new slate for me

No pains from the past

To haunt me in my present

No worries for the future

To spoil my content

There'd only be this moment

This current, present Now

A constant state of Being

Of flowing with the Tao

I know one day I'll find it

And live that kind of life

One that's full of joy

And always free of strife

Cause everything I need

Is here inside of me

Waiting for me to realize

Only I can set me free

The Phoenix

2009-10-04T12:44:00.006-04:00

Broken, battered,
Bruised, and sore
My poor heart
Can take no more

Its flame's gone out
The light grows dim
So much pain
Life just seems grim

But then a change
When least expected
Remembered hope
Has me resurrected

Like a phoenix
From the ashes
My heart revives
In fits and flashes

Before I know it
It's burning bright
Lighting my way
Pushing back the night

I follow along
As it leads the way
To a better place
And a brand new day

There and Back Again

2009-09-06T19:41:00.004-04:00

I went for a run in the park today. At one point, a squirrel broke out of the bushes on the side of the trail and started to scurry across the path. It crossed just a few feet in front of me, and then, sensing that there could be danger, it ran back across and into the bushes from which it had come. This really got me wondering. The squirrel had already made it across my path...it actually put itself in more danger by crossing in front of me again to go back. How often do we do this? We use our instinct, following our hearts and pursuing our dreams, when we sense what we think may be danger. We immediately think that the way to safety is to go back...to stop who we are becoming and go back to who we were. Why do we never realize that there can be safety in forging on and moving forward?

Something else that I noticed on my run was how beautiful everything was. Of course the trees were beautiful, swaying in the breeze and glowing green from the sunlight. But there was beauty in the decaying remains of a fallen tree too. The brown spotted leaves of one tree may have appeared to be a blemish on the beauty of the woods at first glance, but, on closer inspection, I saw the miraculously intricate web of a spider spun amongst the leaves. This got me to thinking about the interconnectedness of everything and spun the following poem from the gossamer of my thoughts:

World Wide Web

The world is a web through which we're connected

Through the action of one we are all affected

You can not escape, struggle as you might

This web which you are in holds on too tight

Yet its embrace is soft and gentle as a kiss

To be connected thus, can bring true bliss

There's no poison bite, no venomous sting

Coursing through this web, love is the thing

Loving yourself is most important of all

Don't feel insignificant, don't feel small

For when you give yourself love, it radiates out

Starts as a whisper and builds to a shout

Its ripples are felt all the way to infinity

It reminds us all to reach for our divinity

So always remember, treat yourself with respect

Be mindful of others, for we all connect

Each action you take across the web will disperse

And impact us all, for better or worse

Heart Is Where the Home Is

2009-09-02T00:08:00.004-04:00

No matter where you go

Wherever you will roam

I hope you always know

in my heart you have a home

A home that's always open
And waiting just for you
Always warm and welcoming
For when you're passing through

Regardless of the length of stay
You're forever welcome here
Visitor or resident
You'll always be held dear

In my heart there are no doors
No bars or locks or keys
No one held against their will
So come and go as you please

I hope that you will come and stay
At least for a goodly while
For when you're there I've not a care
And all I do is smile

If, however, you never come
And stay there not a bit
A home for you will still be there
My heart will never quit.

The Gift

2009-08-07T01:17:00.008-04:00

Those of you that know me, know that I have been on something of a quest for the last couple of years. I have researched and investigated many different things, but I have felt especially drawn to something called energy healing. I have looked into several different forms of energy healing, but it wasn't until recently that I felt as if I found something that really clicked with me. Several months ago, I took a class in Healing Touch and really connected with it. Perhaps this was just the right time for me, but at this class was the first time that I was able to sense energy and feel as though I was actually doing something substantial.

Around this same time, my mother was in the final stages of terminal cancer. I wanted desperately to help her, but wasn't sure what I could do. Healing Touch actually has a technique that is supposed to help with transitions (and what transition is greater than that of moving on from this life), but I didn't think my mother would understand or appreciate me standing over her and performing the technique. I talked this over with one of my mentors, and they told me that intention was the primary thing...there was no need to actually perform the technique, just stay grounded and set my intention for the highest good of the person I was working on.

I went to visit my mom on Friday, July 3rd. At this point she was bedridden and, while she could still talk, her voice came out very rough and broken and she rarely finished her thoughts. I went back to her bedroom to visit with her along with my sisters and I tried to do some energy work inconspicuously, but with no luck. After about a half hour or so, I noticed that my left foot was kind of hurting. Nothing drastic, just a pain that I tried to massage away. My mom fell asleep and my sisters and I went out to the kitchen to talk (*** Why is it that all serious conversations take place in the kitchen...is it because knives are near...or maybe because there is always comfort food nearby ***). After a short while, I got up and noticed that I could no longer support my weight on my left foot...I had to limp to get around.

My mom woke up and we all went back to "talk" with her some more. I again tried to do some energy work, this time actually going through the chakra spread (the transition technique) in my mind while I tried to stay grounded and feel the energy. It was no use...this was even worse than before. I could feel nothing and had a really hard time staying grounded. I just kept seeing my mother laying there in pain and couldn't focus. After a short time, she fell asleep again and we all left for the kitchen...with me limping very badly.

After some time visiting with nieces and nephews, sisters and brothers-in-law, I went to say goodbye to my mom, as it was time to leave. My sister and I went back to the bedroom so I could say goodbye. When we walked (and limped) into the bedroom, my mom was writhing around on the bed saying in a rough voice, "Help me, help me...my body...help me." I felt that I couldn't just leave with my mother in such pain, so I stood by her bed and started to pray. My sister was called out of the room for some reason, and, at that moment, my mom lifted her arm in the air. I took her hand in my left hand and placed my right hand on her head. I just let go and tried to allow God's healing energy (what I consider the basis for energy healing) to flow through me. I tried to focus solely on feeling the energy flow between my two hands. Right at the point where I thought I could feel it, I heard a clear, calm voice say, "Thank you!" I looked down and saw that my mom's eyes were wide open, clear, and free of pain. She had stopped writhing on the bed and now just lay there looking at me.

"Thank you," she said again. I stared at her in amazement and awe and she said, "I love you." I bent down, kissed her on the forehead, and told her that I loved her too. "Thank you," she said again, and then looked me in the eyes and said, "I love you , Kip (a family nickname)." Then she smiled...a small smile, but one which had her looking like my mom...like she hadn't looked in years. I smiled at her, told her to stay out of trouble and that I would see her next time. Little did I know that next time would be the following Monday, the day she died.

I don't really know what happened that night at my mom's house...and I don't really care. I know what I think happened, and that is all that matters to me. I know that my mom had been in pain and then she wasn't. I know that my mom and I shared a moment that I will never forget...probably my favorite memory of her. While I believe that I gave her the gift of a moment free of pain, I know that she gave me the gift of that moment...and that is a gift I will carry in my heart for the rest of my life.

Oh...and when I walked away from her bedroom that night, I was no longer limping.

In the Moment...

2009-08-03T18:52:00.003-04:00

As I am want to do, I went for a run this morning. I went to the park behind my apartment, where there is a trail that makes a loop that is just about a mile long (this makes judging distance much easier). It is a wonderful trail that goes beside the green, well kept grass of soccer fields and then into the underbrush and band of trees that line the Potomac River. On one of my trips around the circuit, I came to a spot where I saw Rabbit nibbling on some grass. He looked at me, paused a moment, and then darted into the thicket. As I passed by where he had disappeared, I said a friendly hello and continued on my way.

When my next trip around the trail brought me back to that same spot, there was Rabbit, just hanging out munching on his sweet grass. Again, he looked at me, paused, and then hightailed it into the dense underbrush. "Poor fella", I thought, "I'm disturbing him." I tried to send him a message that was something along the lines of "I come in peace" but I didn't think he was in the mood.

Once again I traversed the cycle that the trail provided and, once again, there was Rabbit. He was just as calm as could be, trying to finish his meal. As in the other times, he looked and then ran away. As I went past, the thought occurred to me that this rabbit was just living in the moment. He was able to put the past behind him and go about his daily routine as soon as the danger he perceived was gone. He didn't worry about what had brought this monster into his world and he didn't worry what would happen if this giant, lumbering thing came back. What an amazing way to live! No baggage from the past to haunt me and no worries for the future. All I would have to do is be open to the present moment and anything that it might bring.

On my last time around the loop, I figured Rabbit would be gone since I had finally received the message that he had worked so hard to pass on to me. Imagine my surprise when I rounded the corner and saw that my friend, Rabbit, had come back and, just to ensure that I got the message, he had brought his friend Deer. I had to laugh when I saw that. "I got it...I got it," I said as I went past. I continued on my way home with a lighter heart and an uplifted mind.

Quite the lesson that Rabbit taught me...but, then, it is only right as I was born in the year of Rabbit

Friendship

2009-08-02T16:38:00.009-04:00

It seems to me that friendship

Is oft hard to define

Whose meaning are we using?

Is it yours or is it mine?

Some would say a true friend

Is one who's always there

One who will support us

To show they really care

Yet at times we need to stumble

Sometimes to fall down too

A friend who lets this happen

Is still a friend to you

For if we had no trials

And never searched our soul

We'd make no forward progress

Our lives would not be whole

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

To this I say not so

A friend is for the moment

And then we must let go

And if perchance tomorrow

Another moment brings

My friend we'll be together

With no demands or strings

At times we can hurt a friend

While never meaning to

The measure of that friendship

Is if they forgive you

My friendship is not perfect

I'm just a human man

And so I love my friends

In the only way I can

To me they are a treasure

A rare and priceless gem

They're in my heart forever

I hope they know I love them

Sunlight

2009-07-19T21:35:00.003-04:00

Your love is like the sunlight

Shining down on me

It warms and caresses

And makes me feel carefree

Everything looks different
In your love's true light
Full of life and vibrancy
A blessing to my sight

Sometimes the clouds pass over
And hide your love from me
I know that it's still up there
It's just that I can't see

Through the rain and through the snow
And through the storms so fierce
Like an arrow from the bow
Your love will always pierce

But at last the darkness falls,
The sun has finally set
No weeping and no wailing,
No talking of regret

Instead I'll be rejoicing
That I walked within your light
And hoping for a new dawn
To end this lonely night

Reflections

2009-07-12T21:27:00.004-04:00

I look in the mirror
and what do I see?
A fractured image
staring back at me

So many faces
all around,
splits and schisms
seem to abound

Is it possible?
Could it be?
Are all these faces
facets of me?

I don't know why
I'm so divided,
split apart
and many sided

But I'll try
to merge as one
all these pieces
come undone

As they blend
and reunite
I have a hope
I'm holding tight

That when at last
I reach my goal
I'll be myself
hale and whole

And then I'll shine
with an inner light
of purest love
burning bright

Web of Lies

2009-07-10T11:08:00.004-04:00

Through a tangled web I weave

just trying to not get lost

Seems everyone is out to deceive

no matter what the cost

They say that truth will set you free
but how can truth be found?
When ears wont hear and eyes wont see
in illusion you'll be bound

And so the people in my life
can drive me to distraction
It's not that they are full of strife
or want a chain reaction

It's not that they don't care at all
or that their love is fake
It's just that they can feel so small
and in their heart's an ache

So I'll try my best to ease their pain
and all the hurt thereof
to show them how the truth can reign
with gentle caring love

Then perhaps one day they'll be set free
and know that inner peace
that comes about when you can "be"
and let the falseness cease

Just Add Ice...

2009-07-04T23:15:00.004-04:00

Here is another short poem that I found lurking on my computer. I wrote it several years ago and promptly forgot about it. I can see why...can you say overdramatic and bitter?

Blended Love

When you give your heart to someone

And they treat it with gentle loving kindness

Awed at the gift that you have given them

You just don't expect it

When one day

They put it in a blender

and hit puree

More Musings and a Poem

2009-06-04T19:40:00.004-04:00

I don't expect everyone to do things the way that we do in America, but, seriously, in this day and age with the all the technological advances we have, can't the Irish switch to a smaller electrical plug? The ones that they use look like some kind of heavy duty utility thing and are just way too bulky.

In Ireland, you are never asked if your food is "to go", it's always "for here or take away?"

Now, I am in no way suggesting that they are leprechauns, but I have seen an inordinate number of little people here.

All of the street signs, billboards, posters and such are in both English and Irish (technically Irish Gaelic), kind of like Miami with Spanish...but no one here actually speaks Irish.

I'm not quite sure why, but every pub, club, and bar here in Dublin has at least one bouncer standing in front of it...complete with a secret service type earpiece. Just what is it from which they are protecting the general population?

I'm all in favor of short skirts, but...good grief! The girls over here, especially the younger ones, are wandering the streets in what amounts to a scarf tied around their waist. I don't think they realize how ridiculous they look. Although, maybe the skirts explain the need for the bouncers.

One of my favorite things about McDonalds has always been their straws. They have the sturdiest, biggest straws that you can find anywhere. Well, here in Dublin, McDonalds has decided to forego the traditional straw in favor of a cheesy, thin, bendy straw...very disappointing!

They have one of the best inventions ever in most of the public restrooms here. It is called a Dyson Airblade, and it dries your hands better than anything I have ever experienced. You stick your hands in and then pull them out slowly...about 10 seconds in all...and your hands are completely dry. On top of that, it is better for the environment too...check it out http://www.dysonairblade.com/homepage.asp

And now...the aforementioned and promised poem...

An Ode to Guinness

My goodness, my Guinness

what a beautiful sight!

your dark, chocolatey color

your aroma just right

With a thick frothy head

from your nitrogen pour

So smooth going down

I always want more

Your taste so unique

it's like no other

A meal in a glass

think I'll have another

Just four simple things

make this liquid feast

water and hops,

barley and yeast

Combined together

in just the right measure

they make an elixir

thats nothing but pleasure

If I overindulge

good thing I'm resiliant

my goodness, my Guinness

simply...brilliant!

Random Musings on These Wacky Celts

2009-06-03T17:38:00.004-04:00

The Guinness here is unlike anything you will ever get in the states.

French fries here are called chips.

Chips here are called crisps.

You can never forget what you are drinking, because all the pubs pour your beverage of choice into a glass that has the name printed on it.

If you order a simple mixed drink, you will get a glass containing ice and the liquor, the mixer will be served in its own bottle. You must do the mixing yourself. When I asked, I was told that sometimes the women don't like to pour the whole bottle of mixer into the drink.

When the weather is warm (which I assume is not very often), you will find the Irish laying in the sun anywhere where there is some grass...despite the fact that they are mostly all pasty white.

Bono knew what he was doing when he sang that the streets have no names...cause they don't. There is no way to match a map to the actual streets because there are no street signs. Every now and then there will a sign posted to the side of a building, but they are certainly not reliable. Irish people seem to give directions more in regard to places...you know...like, go down the road and take a left at the pub...

If you need something, you can just run down the road to the Spar store (think 7-11)

I think they must call it the Emerald Isle for many reasons...Ireland is very green (think ecological)...not as much as our Pacific Northwest, but close.

If you have to shut down major roads to extend the tracks for your streetcar, it's probably not worth it.

The Desert

2009-05-16T11:19:00.003-04:00

My heart is a wasteland

where nothing ever grows

A vast and endless desert

that no one truly knows

Once it was a garden

lush, fragrant, and serene
Then the rains stopped coming,
clouds are never seen

The plants, they all withered
and shriveled up and died
At first this was a blow to me,
I just fell down and cried

I thought I preferred the garden
but the desert has beauty too
There can't be one without the other
I know now this is true

I find comfort in my desert
and draw strength from it too
There's something on the horizon
Looks like a storm is coming through

I was I, My Things Were Wet

2009-04-24T08:58:00.006-04:00

I read this poem back in high school (think it was Mrs Drake's English class) and remembered liking it. I don't think I have read it since then, but something brought it to my mind so I decided to check it out again. I find that I still really like it...amazing that all the years that have passed have not altered my taste...at least not as far as this poem is concerned. I thought I would post it here so that anyone who has never read it (or, like me, has not read it in a while) can share in my love of it...or not...that's part of the joy of poetry, it can mean different things to different people.

Terrence, This is Stupid Stuff
--A. E. Housman

Terence, this is stupid stuff!
You eat your victuals fast enough;
There can’t be much amiss, ’tis clear,
To see the rate you drink your beer.
But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
It gives a chap the belly-ache!
The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
It sleeps well, the horned head...
We poor lads, ’tis our turn now
To hear such tunes as killed the cow!
Pretty friendship ’tis to rhyme
Your friends to death before their time
Moping melancholy mad!
Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad!

Why, if ’tis dancing you would be,
There’s brisker pipes than poetry.
Say, for what were hop-yards meant,
Or why was Burton built on Trent?
Oh many a peer of England brews
Livelier liquor than the Muse,
And malt does more than Milton can
To justify God’s ways to man.
Ale, man, ale’s the stuff to drink
For fellows whom it hurts to think:
Look into the pewter pot
To see the world as the world’s not.
And faith, ’tis pleasant till ’tis past:
The mischief is that ’twill not last.
Oh I have been to Ludlow fair
And left my necktie God knows where,
And carried half way home, or near,
Pints and quarts of Ludlow beer:
Then the world seemed none so bad,
And I myself a sterling lad;
And down in lovely muck I’ve lain,
Happy till I woke again.
Then I saw the morning sky:
Heigho, the tale was all a lie;
The world, it was the old world yet,
I was I, my things were wet,
And nothing now remained to do
But begin the game anew.

Therefore, since the world has still
Much good, but much less good than ill,
And while the sun and moon endure
Luck’s a chance, but trouble’s sure,
I’d face it as a wise man would,
And train for ill and not for good.
’Tis true, the stuff I bring for sale
Is not so brisk a brew as ale:
Out of a stem that scored the hand
I wrung it in a weary land.
But take it: if the smack is sour,
The better for the embittered hour;
It should do good to heart and head
When your soul is in my soul’s stead;
And I will friend you, if I may,
In the dark and cloudy day.

There was a king reigned in the East:
There, when kings will sit to feast,
They get their fill before they think
With poisoned meat and poisoned drink.
He gathered all the springs to birth
From the many-venomed earth;
First a little, thence to more,
He sampled all her killing store;
And easy, smiling, seasoned sound,
Sate the king when healths went round.
They put arsenic in his meat
And stared aghast to watch him eat;
They poured strychnine in his cup
And shook to see him drink it up:
They shook, they stared as white’s their shirt:
Them it was their poison hurt.
--I tell the tale that I heard told.
Mithridates, he died old.

Walking the Tightrope

2009-04-15T12:14:00.008-04:00

I grow weary of this life,
it weighs heavy on my soul

Tired of all this searching

for something to make me whole

It all just seems so pointless

with this emptiness inside

I can't escape these feelings,

there's nowhere I can hide

And yet I still remember

times my heart would sing

I wish I could go back there

for the joy it did bring

But still I trudge onward,

trying to find my way

Like a blind man on a tightrope

that the wind has set a-sway

Perhaps one day I'll make it

and see the other side

but if the worst should happen

at least I'll know I tried

It's not the destination

but the journey that provides

the lessons that we need in life

in order for us to thrive

The Prayer of St. Francis*

2009-04-07T19:29:00.005-04:00

Lord,

make me an instrument of your health:

where there is sickness,

let me bring cure;

where there is injury,

aid;

where there is sadness,

comfort;

where there is despair,

hope;

where there is death,

acceptance and peace.

Grant that I may not:

so much seek to be justified,

as to console;

to be obeyed,

as to understand;

to be honored,

as to love...

for it is in giving ourselves

that we heal,

it is in listening

that we comfort,

and in dying

that we are born to eternal life.

*modified by Charles C. Wise

Saturday Morning

2009-04-05T21:15:00.007-04:00

Wake up

Another day

Sun's up

Birds sing

Still tired

Wanna sleep

Stand up

Move around

Get dressed

Head out

First mile

Legs hurt

Second mile

Labored breath

Lose track

Rhythm found

Glowing now

Beauty abounds

Mind leaves

Body floats

Spirit soars

God speaks!

Keep On Truckin'

2009-04-03T19:03:00.006-04:00

On this blog, I have shared a few stories of times when I have narrowly escaped death...or severe injury at the least. There were the times my mother saved me, first from drowning at the beach and then from the evil clutches of a grasping escalator, the time I almost drove off a very high bridge due to a...umm...steering malfunction, and the time I easily could have fallen to my death from the top of Cassell Coliseum. While these were all dangerous, deadly, harrowing experiences, I believe the story I am about to relate is the closest I have ever come to death.

Many years ago, I worked in Fairfax at USAir (that's what it was called before all this USAirways nonsense...they only changed the name because they were going to merge with British Airways and then the merger fell through...Oops! too late to change the name back). The office, which was also their data center, was located at the end of Pender Drive. You wouldn't have known this by looking at the building, as their name was nowhere to be seen. I was told this was because they were afraid that people on I-66 would shoot at the windows if they knew the building belonged to USAir...I guess people weren't happy with them back then...but I digress. The start of my journey home each evening was to go down Pender, take a left on Waples Mill Road and take it across Route 50 over to Route 29. I did this every evening, and all was well until one fateful night.

In those days, I was driving a 1977 Toyota Celica (photo on the right)...a car that was over 10 years old, not especially fast, and not exactly replete with safety features (though I did love it nonetheless). On this particular evening, I turned onto Waples Mill and then had to stop at the traffic light at the intersection with Route 50. As luck would have it, I was the first in line at the light. I didn't know it at the time, but my office mate was in the car right behind me. As always, I was anxious to get home, so I watched the light closely as I waited, to be sure I saw when it changed to green. Well...the light changed, I started to go through the intersection, and, when I had almost cleared the first lane of Route 50, something caught my eye. That "something" was a very large, very fast moving tractor trailer traveling west on 50. Apparently, the driver had decided that he really didn't want to stop, so he was just blowing right through the red light. This truck was going at least 60 miles an hour and he never even touched the brakes. He ended up crossing the intersection behind me, missing my car by about a foot. I really think that if any of the variables were changed, even slightly, he would have slammed into me, T-boning my car and killing me.

I think it was about 10 minutes later that the shaking kicked in. I had to pull over for a few minutes to collect my thoughts and gather my wits. I was okay after that, just couldn't believe what a close call it had been. Of course, the next day at work, my office mate gave me some crap about it and told everyone how it was a miracle that I was alive. I tend to agree...every day of life is a miracle and I need to make the most of it.

One thing I have wondered for all these years...what exactly went through that truck driver's mind when he realized I was crossing in front of him?

Clearing Out the Clutter

2009-03-25T23:16:00.000-04:00

Recently, I have been trying to get organized and simplify my life by going through all of my "stuff" and getting rid of all the clutter. I am handling this the way I always do when I am trying to clean...I pull everything out of every drawer, closet and box (yes...I have a back room full of boxes packed with various and sundry items) and sort through it all. Some things go straight into the trash, but it always seems that more items get placed on this or that pile to be shredded, filed, donated, or given to my third cousin's second son.

I came home today, saw all of the piles of stuff (okay, I admit it...it's junk) laying here and there, willy-nilly all over the place and thought, "Egad! My place is a mess. I need to cram all of this stuff back where it came from so that everything looks neat and orderly again. Then I can have company over and I will feel better about where I live." That is when it hit me...this is exactly the same thing I do when I try to deal with the other "stuff" in my life (that's right...I'm talking about personal problems and mental issues here). I spend a lot of time meditating and reflecting on my life so that I can dredge up, identify and catalog all of the things about me that I want to change, improve, or take energy away from. I get to a certain point and then think that I have to put it all back where it came from so I can be around people and feel better about me.

It occurs to me that what I need to realize is that it's when things look the worst...when all the junk is pulled out into the open for all to see...that I am actually closest to having a clean, uncluttered, simple kind of life.

A Place of Infinite Possibilities

2009-03-22T19:36:00.003-04:00

I was thinking today about people in my life whom I have loved. Once we love someone, I'm not sure that we can ever stop. The love may change...it may become less consuming or morph into a more gentle, caring kind of love...but I think it is still there. There have been times, usually at the end of a relationship, when I have told people that I loved, that I would always love them. While this is true, the thought came to me today that a better way to say this might be that they will always be in my heart.

This thought reminded me of a conversation I had with a Christian several years ago. They said that they did not believe in dating, they believed in courtship. Basically, what this meant was that the couple would never be alone together. They would only be together in group settings such as a community picnic, a family dinner, or a church softball game. If all went well, if the pair seemed compatible and the families approved, the couple would get engaged and, eventually, married. This seemed odd to me, so I asked why the couple couldn't just date. That seemed like a much simpler, easier, and probably faster way to determine compatibility. I was told that if a couple dated, spending a lot of time alone together, especially if anything physical happened (even goodnight kisses), strong feelings could develop. Then, if things didn't work out, neither of the pair would be able to give their whole heart to their spouse (assuming they eventually found them) because a portion of it was taken by the person they dated.

Regardless of the respective merits of dating and courtship, I think that this view of the heart is much too limited. I believe that loving is always good and that the heart is infinite. No matter how many people we love, there is always room to love one more...and the purity of that love need never diminish. Actually, I think the more we love, the more like God we become. He holds us all in His heart at all times and loves all of us to the extreme.

Order in the Court

2009-03-21T16:55:00.000-04:00

Late one night several years ago, I was driving from Woodbridge to Ashburn. I had come north on the Fairfax County Parkway and was cutting over to Route 28 at Franklin Farm. I was trapped behind a very slow moving vehicle on Franklin Farm Road, so, when the opportunity presented itself as we turned onto Centreville Road, I passed. I suppose I was a bit annoyed at having been trapped, because my foot was a bit heavy on the gas pedal. As I stopped at the red light at the intersection with McLearen Road, a Fairfax County police car pulled up behind me and turned on its lights.

Now, while not a frequent occurrence, I had been stopped for speeding several times before. This time, however, was a little different than any other. The officer had me take a field sobriety test and used a breathalyzer. I had drunk no alcohol and, when this became obvious, the cop seemed disappointed and decided to search my car. He told me that he really should take me to the station (not really sure why) but that he was going to give me a ticket and let me be on my way. He wrote me up for reckless driving due to excessive speed...58 in a 35 mph zone (Hey! I said my foot was a bit heavy, didn't I?)

After doing a little research, I found out that all forms of reckless driving are a class 1 misdemeanor and carry a maximum penalty of one year in jail. Now, I had no desire to spend any time in jail so I decided I would get a lawyer to defend me. Several attorneys I talked to said there was nothing they could do for me and one said he had a solution...all I had to do was pay him $1,000 and he would tell me how. Well, I was not going to pay him one thin dime unless I knew what his strategy was, so that didn't work out so well. When I went to talk to the final lawyer on my list, I told him my story and he started to laugh. This was not the reaction I had expected. He told me to wait one moment, pulled out a book and looked something up, and then chuckled again. Apparently, reckless driving due to speed in Virginia was defined as (1) going faster than 80 mph, (2) exceeding the speed limit by 20 mph or more where the speed limit is above or below 35 mph, and (3) exceeding the speed limit by 25 mph in a 35 mph zone. After reviewing this with me, the attorney told me he would not be coming to court with me...he said that the appearance of a lawyer in court might tip the prosecution off that something was up. Instead, he gave me copies of the Virginia code section and specific directions on what to do and say in court and sent me on my way...no charge! (If you need a really good attorney for criminal charges or traffic violations, let me know and I will give you his name and number).

I sat in court on the appropriate day, nervously reviewing all the information that my lawyer had given me. When my case was called, I pled not guilty and was brought forward. I stood at one podium and the arresting officer was across the room at another. We were both sworn in and then the officer was asked to describe the offense and the stop. He did so, and ended by saying that I was charged with reckless driving due to speed. The judge thanked him and then turned to me. Here it was...my big moment...I swallowed a few times and then...

"Your Honor, I would like to make a motion to strike."
"On what grounds?", the judge replied with a lift of his eyebrows.
I swallowed again, gulped some air and said, "According to the Virginia code of law, section 46.2-862..."

As I read the section to him, the judge smiled and then said he would have to look at the code.

"I have copies of that section, if you would like to see one", I said, just a little too smugly (bad move on my part...never be smug with a judge).
"No, no...I have my own copy", the judge said as he pulled out a book. He flipped some pages, scanned the text and then said, "Officer, you should check this out, it's very interesting reading."

At this point, I should have been free to go since I was obviously not guilty of the charge of which I was accused. As my lawyer had warned me though, it's the judge's courtroom and he can do as he pleases. In this case, it pleased him to lower the charge to speeding and fine me. I have to say, I was okay with that...it certainly beats jail time.

The best part (well...okay...the best part was getting out of reckless driving, so this would be the next best part) was that, as I left the courtroom I could hear someone follow me out. Once out of the courtroom and free to talk, the man behind me spoke.

"Excuse me, what code section was that?"
"46.2-862", I replied, "Would you like a copy?"
"Yes, thank you!" he said enthusiastically. "I am a lawyer and that was just great...one of the best things I have seen in court!"

So there you have it, my big day in court successfully defending myself and narrowly avoiding a year in jail (okay, I'm exaggerating...but it did feel good). Just one word of caution: The Virginia code has since been changed and the strange exception for 35 mph zones has been eradicated.

Where Are We Going?

2009-03-13T20:03:00.003-04:00

I went into my meditation today with the thought of trying to get some guidance on where my life was going...where I would end up and what I would be doing. It seemed to be taking me longer than usual to calm my mind and get into a relaxed state. Thoughts kept whirling up from the depths of my mind and disturbing me. I kept acknowledging them and setting them to the side for later. I did feel a sense of peace, but just didn't seem to be getting into that "magical" state of meditation. Then, suddenly, I saw and felt the beat of a mighty pair of wings. I looked around and saw a large hawk. I saw him, and, next thing I knew, I was flying with him.

As we flew over a beautiful green forest, I asked him where we were going. He just told me, "Follow me."

When we flew over some majestic white-capped mountains, I asked him what our destination was. Again, he replied, "Follow me."

We flew over an infinite plain of waving grasses and sparkling blue waters and, one final time, I asked him where he was taking me. He turned, looked into my eyes, and said, "Why are you so concerned about where you will end up? Just enjoy the amazing journey of getting there."

The Man with Two Red Shoes

2009-03-11T07:53:00.002-04:00

A long time ago in a far away land called Suburbia, there lived a boy. This boy grew up in a good home with two loving parents. Every day, in many different ways, he would receive messages that he was safe, cared for, and surrounded by love. However, at the same time, he was receiving other messages of a different sort: you must always do things the right way, you can never trust yourself, and you must never stand out but must blend into your surroundings (standing out was especially bad...if you stood out, you would be noticed and being noticed came with consequences). Day after day, these messages were broadcast and, little by little, they oozed their way into the boy's psyche.

Years passed and the boy grew to be a teenager. The messages he had received had an impact on his life but, perhaps because of the rebellious nature of the teenage years, the boy fought against this programming. One day, he went out and bought a pair of red hi-top converse all stars (the plan was to buy a pair of black ones as well and then wear one of each...sadly, this never happened). The boy loved his new shoes and couldn't wait to wear them. They made him feel good and edgy and like he would be the center of attention when he wore them.

The first time he wore his shoes was to meet a new friend one evening for dinner. This was a friend that the boy was trying to impress and whose opinion the boy valued greatly. After the first few minutes of conversation upon their meeting, the talk turned to the shoes.

"They are very red," said the friend.
"Yes!" the boy replied, thinking this was a definite plus.
"Much too red for me, I would be embarrassed to wear them!" the friend replied with disdain.

With this statement, the boy realized that what was meant was that his friend thought he should be embarrassed wearing such shoes...and that his friend was embarrassed to be seen with him wearing them. Crushed, the boy went home that night, took off his shoes and packed them away. Every few years, he would come across them, dust them off, and remember that there was a time when they gave him a good feeling. Then the shoes would be packed away again to gather more dust.

While the matter of the shoes was a small thing, it was followed by many more similar small things. With each small issue that arose over the years, the boy, now a man, would try to do the right thing, never trusting himself but rather following what other people said so that he could blend in and not be noticed. This continued until, one day, the man looked in the mirror and realized he didn't recognize himself. He no longer had any idea who he was. From that day forward, he began a search to find his real, true self. The search continues, but one thing is certain...if he comes across those red shoes again, he is going to put them on and dance a dance of pure joy.

The moral of the story: Every day, in every way, in even the smallest, most insignificant matters, be true to yourself and let your true self shine. It will make for a happier you and a better world for all of us.

The Bucket List

2009-03-08T14:51:00.004-04:00

Since I posted my 25 things here, I figure I will do my bucket list too...

Things I have done during my lifetime:

( ) Gone on a blind date...no, but I figure my chances are good if I date someone who is blind
(X) Donated Blood
(X) Skipped school...but don't tell my mom
(X) Watched someone die...one of my least favorite memories
( ) Watched someone be born...can't decide if this would be amazing or kinda weird
(X) Been to Canada...Newfoundland...one of the most amazing places I have ever been
(X) Been to Mexico...Cabo San Lucas...during a hurricane
(X) Been to Florida...lived there...I don't recommend it
(X) Been to Hawaii...one of my favorite places on Earth
(X) Been on a plane
(X) Been on a helicopter...in Hawaii...I got to sit up front in the "bubble" while the theme to Magnum PI played
(X) Been lost...some would say I still am
(X) Gone to Washington, DC
( ) Hugged a homeless person...no, but I am up for it...everyone needs a hug now and then
(X) Swam in the ocean...Indian, Pacific, and Atlantic
( ) Swam with Stingrays...not that I know of
(X) Been sailing in the ocean
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
(X) Played cops and robbers...but can't remember if I was a cop or a robber
( ) Recently colored with crayons...no, but I wish I had
(X) Ran a marathon...can I count this multiple times? ;-)
( ) Sang Karaoke...for some reason I have a strong aversion to this
( )Volunteered at a soup kitchen...no, but I should...seems like a worthwhile endeavor
(X) Paid for a meal with coins only
( ) Been to the top of the St. Louis Arch
( ) Seen the Northern Lights
( ) Been Parasailing...surprising I haven't done this...yet
(X) Been on TV...hardly counts though...I ran by the camera at a marathon
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't...too many times to count
(X) Made prank phone calls...also used to make anonymous calls in college...if I got a girl, I would read a story to her...one of my friends actually got lucky from me doing this
(X) Been down Bourbon Street in New Orleans
(X) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
( ) Rode on an elephant
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X) Fired a gun...and hit the center of the bulls eye...amazing how luck works
(X) Danced in the rain
(X) Been to the Opera
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(X) Serenaded someone
(X) Seen a U.S.President in person...Obamarama!
(X) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(X) Watched the sunrise with someone
( ) Driven a race car...nope, just a cool simulator
(X) Been to a National Museum
(X) Been to a Wax Museum
(X) Eaten caviar...don't enjoy it but, for some reason, I keep trying it
(X) Blown bubbles...as long as we aren't talking about Michael Jackson's chimp
(X) Gone ice-skating
(X) Gone to the movies
( ) Been deep sea fishing
( ) Driven across the United States...hoping to do this later this year...still up for it Ryan?
( ) Been in a hot air balloon
(X) Been sky diving...accelerated free fall, baby!
( ) Gone snowmobiling...no, but I think this would be wicked fun
( ) Lived in more than one country...unfortunately, no
(X) Lay down outside at night and admired the stars while listening to the crickets
(X) Seen a falling star and made a wish
( ) Enjoyed the beauty of Old Faithful Geyser
( ) Seen the Grand Canyon...but I will if that cross country trip happens
( ) Seen the Statue of Liberty...never even been to New York...shocking isn't it?
(X) Gone to the top of Seattle Space Needle...and have pictures to prove it
( ) Been on a cruise...no, but might be going on a wine cruise in the near future
(X) Traveled by train...back from Machu Picchu
(X) Ridden a motorcycle...but only about 100 feet
(X) Been horse back riding...if trail rides are considered riding
( ) Ridden on a San Francisco cable car...would have to be in San Francisco to do that
(X) Been to Disneyland OR Disney World...many times...even ran a marathon through all of the Florida parks
(X) Truly believe in the power of prayer...Amen!
(X) Been in a rain forest
(X) Seen dolphins in the ocean
( ) Been to Niagara Falls
( ) Swam with dolphins...no, but I did snorkel with a giant sea turtle
( ) Been to the Olympics
( ) Walked on the Great Wall of China
( ) Been spinnaker flying
(X) Been water-skiing
( ) Been snow-skiing
( ) Been to Westminster Abbey
( ) Been to the Louvre...no, but I think it would be cool
( ) Been to a Major League Baseball game...not that I wouldn't, but no real desire to
(X) Been to a National Football League game...go Steelers!
(X) Swam with sharks...actually found myself chasing one to get a picture...then realized what I was doing
(X) Been White Water Rafting
( ) Written a book or screen play...no, but I have always thought I would
(X) Traveled to more than five countries...and the count keeps going up
( ) Driven a limousine
( ) Seen the Eiffel Tower in person...does King's Dominion count?
( ) Been to London
(X) Been on a Trans-Atlantic Flight
(X) High-Rolled in Las Vegas
( ) Taken part in a "Dine-n-Dash"...that would just be wrong
( ) Been to a professional boxing/wrestling match...no, and really don't want to
( ) Saved someone from drowning...no, but I was saved by my mom
( ) Walked on a Nude Beach...not yet, but I am willing
( ) Been to the Bahamas
( ) Rode on a camel
(X) Caught fireflies in a jar...but I never could get enough to read by their light
(X) Been camping in the woods...is there anywhere else to camp?

Love

2009-03-08T14:16:00.002-04:00

Love...that's it...just Love!

Get busy living or get busy dying

2009-03-07T11:40:00.007-05:00

Wow! What a great morning...and what a great morning for a run!

So, I went for a run this morning (another 5 miles...see I'm trying) and had just reached that point where running turns into something deeper for me, when a phrase popped into my head...Get busy living or get busy dying. It comes from a line in the movie The Shawshank Redemption. Andy is talking about having hope and says to Red, "I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying."

I pondered this phrase and let it roll around my head a bit until I came to a realization. I think that I haven't been very busy living for a while. It seems that everything I do lately, I do tentatively with a slow moving, wait and see attitude that has me feeling that life is passing me by. Always afraid that I am attempting something I can't handle or making bad choices that will ruin my life. I get fired up about something and try to make some real progress towards my goals only to retreat when the voices in my head start feeding me these negative thoughts: You don't... You won't... You can't... What if...

Well, I think it is time to make some changes. To just throw myself into whatever I attempt and give it my all. If it becomes clear that I made a bad choice, I will choose anew and carry on. If I find myself moving away from my goals, I will change course and get back on track. If my goals change, I can reevaluate and adjust accordingly. The important thing is to be alive, full of life, and fully participating in my life. To follow my heart and hopes and dreams toward the fulfillment of the purpose of my life.

It's time to tell the voices that I hear them, but they have no power over me.

It's time to dive headlong into whatever I do, damn the consequences.

It's time to get busy living.

It's TIME!

The Ghost of Love Past

2009-03-05T18:26:00.004-05:00

So, I was just poking around on my computer and found this poem. I wrote it for someone and then never got the chance to send it to them. It sounds a little greeting cardish to me (most of my poems do), but the feelings were sincere. I don't know if they ever knew exactly how I felt, but I guess it doesn't matter at this point. In any case, here it is...

Whenever I am near to you, a feeling comes over me;
a strange and wondrous sensation, that just wont let me be.

It warms my heart, it soothes my soul, it makes me feel complete;
it lights the fire of my passion and makes me feel the heat.

I hope that you can understand exactly what I feel,
it's plain and pure and simple...a love that is real.

All will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well

2009-03-04T21:49:00.004-05:00

I had planned to post some stories of times when I defied death, but I think that is going to have to wait. Some things have happened recently that require me to make some choices. Could just be minor things, or could turn out to be life altering decisions. Needless to say, I was a little freaked out over what I should do. There is what I want to do, what I think is the right thing to do, what I think is the sensible thing to do...and on and on. These thoughts just kept cycling around in my head until I just couldn't think straight. I went to the store to pick up a few things and I found myself at the checkout with a cart full of junk...junk which I took home and promptly started to devour in a fit of frenzied, anxiety-driven eating. Suddenly, I realized what I was doing...how counter productive and unhealthy it was...and a little voice inside me woke up and said "Go for a run!"

Now, I had not been for a run in quite some time. I kept meaning to, but somehow I never actually made it. So, I headed out with the thought that I would just go for a very quick, short run...maybe just a mile, two at the most. I started to run and soon my body was in the flow of it and my mind went off somewhere far away. My being just filled with a peaceful feeling and there was an upwelling of happiness...not the kind of happiness that relies on external stimulation, but the kind that just has you smiling for no reason...happy to be alive in such a beautiful world. In what seemed like no time at all, I found myself finishing five miles and feeling invigorated with all the anxiety and the swirling thoughts gone.

While I have no idea what the "right" choices are or what course my life will take as a result, my run helped me to connect with that part of myself that knows that everything will be all right. I will take the moments as they come, follow my heart as best as I can, and know that, even when I make the wrong choices, the universe has a way of getting me back on the path of my purpose in life.

Perhaps what I really need to think about is why I am not running more often. I know that running settles my mind and helps me to connect with spirit. Profound things have happened on some of my runs. The only time I think with any certainty that I heard God's voice was during a run. I have had very wise, trusted, and dear friends tell me that I should run...that it helps me to connect and stay grounded. So, why don't I run? I have no idea, but I am going to endeavor to make running a part of my daily routine. With the weather starting to turn nicer, this should get easier. In any case, if you happen to see me, feel free to ask me how the running is going...hopefully the answer will be a good one.

My 25 Random Facts

2009-02-24T01:03:00.004-05:00

On employment applications I often mark that I am an Alaskan Native…I figure this is okay cause I was born in Adak…besides, I abhor political correctness.

When I was a teenager, I was a magician. I was in the Magician’s Union, performed in an amateur magic show and loved all things magical.

I really do believe that I live a semi-charmed life. It is never easy and definitely not perfect, but things always seem to work out for me in the end.

When I lived in Florida, I was an assistant greenskeeper on a golf course. I learned all about grass and its care, got my pesticide license, and considered this as a career…but it all came tumbling down one day when I drove a greens mower into a lake.

I am very sensitive and emotional…I cry all the time…over movies, books, pictures, a beautiful sunrise…but mostly over other people’s sorrows and joys…guess that has something to do with me being an empath.

I didn’t take up running until 2001 and my first race was that year’s Marine Corps Marathon. I have now run around 50 races, between 15 and 20 of them were marathons and one of those I ran with a broken leg (not a good idea). Now running is a spiritual practice for me that helps me to stay grounded and touch the Divine.

I have always been interested in photography. I was on the yearbook staff in high school, had my own darkroom, and have owned a camera for as long as I can remember…but it is only recently that I have thought that I may have a talent for it.

I don’t really like TV so I hardly ever watch it…but I LOVE movies.

I was a huge fan of the original Star Trek TV series. I saw every episode and even tried to tape them (with a tape recorder, there were no VCRs back then). I also tried to become as Vulcan as possible by repressing all my emotions and replacing them with intellect and logic…no idea how much damage that did to me.

I have always wanted to go to Greece and yet I never have.

As a child I was a voracious reader and was always reading books well above my grade level. I credit reading with improving my spelling and vastly expanding my vocabulary.

I have been a stock boy, a fast food cook, a greenskeeper, an office cleaner, a hotel clerk, a book keeper, and a software engineer…looks as if massage therapist is next (much to my mom’s chagrin).

I have been in jail…more than once…I don’t recommend it.

Through no talent of my own, I have narrowly escaped death on several occasions…all part of my semi-charmed life.

I love poetry. When I was in my 20’s, I used to write poems myself but stopped for some reason. I have recently started again, although I think most of what I write isn’t very good.

I don’t know where it came from, but I have a love for all things medieval. That is why I have a collection of knives, swords, and dragons.

I used to try to meditate but always had problems…felt that I was doing it wrong, getting the wrong results, or just worried about wasting time. Recently, I stopped “trying” and I just meditate…and have had some amazing experiences.

I think J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings may be the best book of all time.

Back in the late 90’s, I was vegan for more than a year. I felt great and had lots of energy but fell off the wagon…and have never seemed to be able to get back on.

My father and grandfather were both also named Clyde. If I ever have a son, his name will not be Clyde.

Until my Jeep, which is silver, all of my cars have either been green or red. I have had a 1972 VW 411 (green…and then later camouflage), a 1977 Toyota Celica (green), a 1989 Ford Probe (red), a 1995 Honda Civic (red), and a 2001 Saleen S281 (red). All of these vehicles have had standard transmission.

For years, I had to wear a suit to work every day. I really grew to hate them. Now, I avoid them at all costs…except my tux…tuxes are special.

I took golf lessons when I was a teenager, but I have never played…unless you count mini-golf.

When I die, I don’t want to be buried or cremated…I want to be placed on a pyre. I have actually done research and found that this can be done as long as the medical examiner gives his consent.

I like to take long, relaxing baths with burning incense, candlelight, soft music and a good book.

Winds of Change

2009-02-16T18:39:00.002-05:00

Like the wail of a banshee on a cold, dark night

the winds of change shatter the calm of my life

No matter how hard I struggle and fight

they urge me on like the point of a knife

Yet if I embrace the changes they bring

with an open mind and a willing heart

then like the gentle breezes of spring

they lift me up to a brand new start

In to Africa

2009-01-31T03:52:00.000-05:00

So, I am off on another grand adventure...this time to the Dark Continent for a safari, a climb up Mt Kilimanjaro, and chillin' on the beach in Zanzibar. I will be gone for a couple weeks, so there will be no new posts for a while...but feel free to go back and read old posts and comment to your hearts content.

Now, not to be a pessimist, but with a very long plane ride and a climb up to a very frigid 20,000 feet, things could happen. That being the case, I wanted to take this opportunity to send some things out into the ether and to the hearts and minds of the various people involved.

First, to anyone that I have hurt, insulted, slighted, belittled, ignored, or in any other way mistreated, my sincerest apologies. These slights, whether intentional or not, do not point out your shortcomings, rather they point out flaws in my character. It is my intention to be more aware of how I treat people and not let my "stuff" affect that treatment. I hope that if you find yourself in this group of people, you can forgive me and help me to stay on target with this intention.

Next, to anyone who thinks that they have hurt me or given me some reason to be upset with them, all is forgiven and forgotten. Life is far too short to waste time and energy on depressed sulking, silly grudges and hurtful anger. With all the wonderfully different people on this Earth, there is bound to be some friction now and again, but we are all just trying to make our way along the path of our journey. It is my intention to allow any slights I am given to just flow over me and away, never allowing them to take root.

Finally, to all my friends and family, I just want you to know that I love you more than I can say. I'm not always the best person at staying in touch or showing people how important they are to me. However it may appear, you are all always on my mind and in my heart. You are the people who have made me who I am, guided me along my way and picked me up when I fell down. You've loved me when I didn't deserve it and shown me the good in myself when I couldn't see it. You've been with me to celebrate my good times and to console me through my bad times. I can't thank you enough or repay all of your kindnesses, so I will just send love out to all of you and let you know that you have made a difference in my life.

Whew! That was not exactly how I envisioned this post going, but it feels right and I feel better having said it. I wish all the best for all of you...have fun...take care...and I will see you when I return to regale you with tales of my adventures.

A Mother's Love

2009-01-30T11:10:00.003-05:00

Is there anything more pure or powerful than a mother's love? I was meditating today and thoughts of mothers and their love drifted into my mind. Not sure if it is because my mom's health is going downhill, because I told a story about my mom yesterday (one of the ones below), or for some other reason, but I felt a need to post something about mothers. Never having been a mother (or father either for that matter), I have never experienced the love they have for their children from their perspective but I have definitely been on the receiving end. I know that my mom loves me in a million little ways every day of her life, but here are two somewhat dramatic, somewhat entertaining (and scary at the time, let me tell you) examples of her love and just two of the many reasons why I owe my life to my mom:

When I was very young...I would guess around two...my family went to the beach. I don't remember what beach, just that it was a beach (I was 2 for pete's sake, give me a break). I was fascinated by the way the ocean would lap at the shore. I would follow it out and then back in, laughing all the way. Then something very unexpected happened...I was at a point where I was closer to the surf when a larger wave then usual broke right in front of me. I was thrown off my feet and tossed around in the water like a cork. I started to be pulled out into the ocean and to take on water, coughing and crying all at the same time. Then suddenly, miraculously, two hands reached down from the heavens and lifted me back up into the life giving air. My mom had been keeping an eye on me, had seen me go down, and had sprinted into the ocean to rescue me. If not for her, I have no doubt I would not have made it.

A few years later, my mom and I were at Sears. No idea what we were there for, but, whatever it was, it was upstairs. We got on the escalator and started to ride up to the second floor. Let me pause here for a moment to say that, as a child, I was afraid of stairs. I know that I fell down the stairs at our house at least once, but whether this instilled the fear or the fear caused me to fall, I don't know. I just know that I was afraid of stairs. Now, back to our story...as we neared the end of our ride on the escalator, I noticed the jaws of death at the very top (also known as an escalator comb plate). I was scared and fascinated at the way it "ate" the stairs as they got close. I knew that I would have to jump over this terrifying thing and that timing was critical. Unfortunately, knowing and doing are two different things. I waited too long, my foot hit the comb plate and knocked me off balance causing me to fall backwards. Next thing I know, I am being eaten by this demon staircase. First the machinery ripped and ate my pants and then began to work on my flesh. Blood began to flow and I started to scream. I'm not sure what my mom did, whether she hit a stop button or just pulled me free by brute force, but I know that she saved me once again.

So, I'm sending out love and a big hug to my mom and all mothers everywhere and declaring today Appreciate-a-Mom Day. No greeting card or gift necessary, just let your mom or any mom know that they are appreciated and loved. They make the world a better place for us, so let's show them that they mean the world to us.

What Do You See?

2009-01-28T18:59:00.008-05:00

My So-Called Life

2009-01-28T08:44:00.004-05:00

So how does one go about changing their life? How do you go from one end of the spectrum to the other...and survive the process? A year ago, I was a Software Engineer (alright, so I was unemployed but I still considered myself a Software Engineer). Now...well, now I'm not quite sure what I am.

I have spent most of my life learning rules and trying to follow them, trying to do things "right", submitting to those I looked at as authorities. When I was a teenager, I admired the Vulcan, Mr Spock, and even tried to emulate him, suppressing emotion and being ruled by logic. Since I have always been an emotional person, it seems strange, but my life became all about rules, analysis, and logic. Maybe that's why computer programming spoke to me and I excelled at it. For a long time, I enjoyed programming and found it fulfilling. For years I thought I was doing my life's calling. I had a successful career and a high paying job. I was respected at work, admired even, for my abilities. But in recent years, it all seemed to turn sour. Whether it was a change in myself or a change in the work, I don't know. I just know that I no longer felt happy or fulfilled. I found my work dull, boring, draining...soul-sucking even. This is why getting laid off at the end of 2007 was one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

Since then, I have been exploring, trying to find myself and my place in the world. I have traveled a bit (some would say a lot) which I think has broadened me and made me more open to different people, different cultures, and different ideas. I have read about, dabbled in, and trained in various spiritual practices: meditation, intuition, shamanism, energy healing. Somewhere along the way the seed of an idea was planted...that I could be an intuitive healer and open a healing center. A safe, welcoming place where people could come for healing and learning about spirit. A place that would provide guidance for people like me to transition from their old life to a new soul centered spiritual life. I have been taking steps to further this goal...I'm going to massage therapy school, I'm taking courses to strengthen my intuition, I'm enrolled in an upcoming energy healing seminar, and starting to look at what it takes to open and run a business. Even though I have this vision and I have been taking steps and moving in a direction to bring it to fruition, I am full of doubts...and I am scared.

I long to be open and free and creative, full of energy and fire, helping people, with a passion for something that makes a difference.

But I am scared.

I have started down this path and at times it feels so right that it resonates in my soul and gives me a warm, glowing feeling.

But I am scared.

I have received more confirmation than I ever thought possible - from friends, mentors, my own spirit, and the universe itself - that the changes I am making and the path I am on are leading me to a higher consciousness and the fulfillment of my soul's purpose.

But I am scared.

Why am I so scared? What am I scared of?

I'm scared that I'll discover it's all been a big mistake, that I have just been fooling myself. I'm scared that I will end up with no money, no job, no home, and no place to go. I'm scared that I will find myself all alone in a purgatory between worlds, too far changed to go back to my old life and unable to complete the journey to the new one. I'm scared that I will fail, that I wont be good enough or strong enough...that I just wont be enough. Maybe subconsciously, I'm scared of other things too...scared of succeeding, scared that I will be enough, scared of my own power, scared of letting go.

I don't know how my life will turn out, even in the short term I am unclear. I seem to make progress toward this new life I have envisioned for myself and then fall back in fear and doubt. I seem to be confused about exactly who I am...I don't seem to fit my old identity anymore, and it feels as if my new identity is still forming. It makes for some very confusing, hard times. So far, I have been able to persevere and continue pushing myself further on this journey. There are times though, when I think I will just give up and try to go back to my old life as a programmer. I hope I don't, that just feels wrong now. At times I feel excited, certain, and purpose driven, but mostly I feel unclear and unsure. Unsure of who I am, unsure of what I am doing, and unsure of where I am going.

There is one thing that I am sure of though...I don't want to be scared anymore.

The Ballad of Sir Galahad

2009-01-26T06:52:00.006-05:00

There once was a knight, gallant, brave and true

gentle and loving, through and through
Perhaps a bit off-center and misguided too
He'd sacrifice himself in a moment just for you

Once sworn to a lady he would never repent
He'd defend and succor her till all energy was spent
He'd give of his own, never counting the cost
Never giving up, even when all hope was lost

But time wears down the hardiest of souls
His sword grew notched, his armour full of holes
One day came a blow he hadn't expected
Pierced through the heart he had left unprotected

In a flash of knowing, he realized his mistake
This ache in his heart was more than he could take
He took off his armour and threw down his sword
Just a broken down man, a knight no more

Darkness

2009-01-25T18:47:00.005-05:00

Darkness descends and extinguishes the light

Nothing can be sensed, nothing can be felt

No way forward, no way back

Nowhere to go, nowhere to turn

Nothing remains

Only Darkness

The Power of the Finger

2009-01-24T09:30:00.002-05:00

As long as I can remember, I have had this problem. A need to do things the "right" way, a fear of screwing up, of not being capable of what I was attempting. This problem was affecting my life in many ways, but never so strongly as when other people were involved. I'm sure part of this was the fear of looking stupid in front of others, and I think everyone has this fear to some degree. For me, it went much beyond that.

Last year I went to a week long Shamanic healing class where, on the last few days, the students were asked to perform some healings on each other. I felt completely inadequate to do this. Even though we were all there to learn, I was incredibly concerned about the quality of healing that my "client" would receive. Each morning I would have a sense of dread and panic over the upcoming healing I would have to perform, and each evening I had a great feeling of relief that I had survived the day. On several mornings, I came very close to just getting in the car and driving away...escaping from the overwhelming feelings. I didn't leave, I stayed to the end and I actually think the class was worthwhile...on the last day, I even had one of my clients tell me that he thought I had a real talent for this healing work. Deep inside of me though, I knew that my problem still lurked.

This past December, I started attending massage therapy school. I go to school four days a week for seven months. Each of those days, I spend half the day in lecture and half the day in bodywork. This means that I am giving (and receiving, which is definitely a perk) a full body massage to another student four days of each week. When I first started, all was well. We were told exactly what to do to practice the various strokes and stances involved. After two weeks though, I started to have a problem. Each day, we were supposed to pair up with someone and give a full body massage...no instructions...no rules to follow...just give a massage. Soon, my feelings of fear and panic were in full bloom. I doubted myself, terrified that I would do something wrong. Every day was torture for me...I actually started feeling nauseous each day as the time for me to give a massage came closer. I was told by the teacher and by the other students that I had good hands, gave a smooth massage, and was a calming presence. Didn't matter...each day of school was still torture for me. Let me say, for the record, this is no way to live...something had to be done.

I went to see my mentor...that's right, I have a mentor and I still get jazzed when I say it...who is an incredible man. He is a practicing clinical social worker, energy worker, and an amazing human being. Usually when I go to see him, we talk about things like intuition, chakras, energy, and the power of not knowing. This time however, after I explained my problem, he said that what I wanted was therapy. He thought (more likely, tuned in to guidance) for a moment, and then said that he thought EMDR was what would help. For more information on EMDR you can go here, but for my purposes I will just explain that you sit and follow the therapist's fingers with your eyes as they move back and forth in front of your face, all the while thinking of the issue that you are trying to resolve. Before we started, I was asked to close my eyes and imagine giving a massage. As I did, my stomach knotted up and my hands felt shaky, cold, and clammy. As the treatment progressed, I was asked to go back to when I first had these feelings. Out of nowhere, a memory popped up. A memory that I didn't even realize I had until EMDR pulled it out of my head...

My father was always big into ham radio and electronics. He was a fan of a company called Heathkit that made kits that allowed you to build electronic equipment. The majority of the work involved in these kits was soldering the various electronic components onto a circuit board. When I was a young child, my dad ordered one of these kits for me. I believe the idea was that we could build it together, that way we would have some fun time together and I could learn about electronics. This part of the memory is unclear, but I think that, because my dad didn't have a lot of free time, I must have begun assembling this kit on my own. What I do remember very clearly is that I soldered the wrong resistor into the wrong place on the circuit board (hmm...question of the day...is that the same as putting the wrong thing in the right place? or the right thing in the wrong place?). I don't remember my dad's reaction when he found out other than that he was upset. Knowing my dad, I assume there was a lot of very loud yelling, both in general and at me specifically. In any case, his reaction isn't important, what is important is my perception of his reaction. Apparently, what I took from this was that I had done something WRONG and when you do things the WRONG way, people you love get very angry with you (and perhaps love you less?).

I was amazed that this memory had been dredged up and even more amazed that such a small thing when I was a child could have such dire consequences for my life. After explaining this memory to my mentor, the treatment continued but with a difference. At first, the treatment seemed to intensify my feelings of anxiety, but now I was starting to feel calm and almost peaceful. I will spare you the rest of the gory details of the treatment other than the final outcome. After all the finger waving was over, I was again asked to close my eyes and imagine giving a massage. As I did so, a happy feeling came over me and the statement "I'm good at this!" came blurting out of my mouth (it actually kind of embarassed me, but there you have it).

I don't know if I am, in fact, good at giving a massage. I don't know if I do anything wrong when I am giving a massage. What I do know is that, ever since the EMDR session, I don't have any of the fear, nervousness, or anxiety that used to plague me. I go into the bodywork room happy to have the opportunity to learn and practice something that I enjoy.

Who's the Fool Now?

2009-01-21T18:09:00.004-05:00

This morning before going to school, I decided to meditate for a bit. As I always do when I meditate, I put on some nice music, lit some incense and candles, and opened a sacred space. After a couple minutes, I had settled in and quieted my mind and was just drifting. It was pretty much my usual relaxing, refreshing, centering, spiritual time...and then something unexpected happened.

I don't really know what was real and what wasn't, I just know that for a moment it seemed that I had stepped out of time. Everything was still...my breathing stopped...even the music that was playing stopped. I suddenly had the feeling of standing on the edge of a precipice and wanting nothing more than to step off that cliff. This was not a death wish or even a scary thought, it just seemed like a grand adventure leading to something wondrous. Whatever this was, it quickly passed. I became conscious of my breathing and the music started playing again.

I was left with a sense of wonder and the memory of that cliff. It brought to mind the tarot card of The Fool, so I looked up the meaning of that card and here is what I found:

The Fool card is the first card of the Tarot deck, and as such it represents the beginning of something. It is almost impossible to predict exactly what will happen, since it is invariably something new, and not based upon what has gone before. The Fool defies rationality or logic. This creates an excitable sensation, a frisson or shock to the system.
The Fool can represent the desire for rebirth, or making a new start to life, but with the proviso that the future path is not mapped out. The Fool is Nothing and Everything. It is the Empty set that contains all within it. The Fool is associated with fertility and the primal energy of Spring with the connotations of birth, rebirth, and transformation (Jesus died on the cross and rose again).
As a strategy, the Fool is all about avoiding the common path that everyone treads. It is finding new viewpoints, new ideas, shocking concepts, beliefs, or views. For hints as to where the Fool might be going, look to the cards around it, but remember that we may also be seeing nascent energies emanating from these cards. If you desire something different, a fresh start, the Fool is the card for you.
The Fool represents crazy wisdom that shocks the listener into new states of consciousness. You can never retread a tyre when the Fool is around. The Fool is an indescribable state of consciousness that works on impulse. It can never allow an external influence - everything is from within.

I would be interested to know if anyone out there in blog land sees me in this description of The Fool, if you have another meaning for The Fool that seems appropriate, if you see some sort of message here that I need to pay attention to, or if you have a completely different interpretation of my experience. Let me know what you think.

An Original Poem...

2009-01-18T04:14:00.003-05:00

Voices

in the dark, still hours of the night

loneliness settles over me like a shroud

cold as the grave and as heavy as death

with a silence so complete it seems too loud

then the voices begin in their sibilant whisper

telling me things I don't want to believe

you're unloved, unwanted, unneeded, and useless

if you were to die there's no one would grieve

I know these are lies meant to torture my soul

so I block out the voices and send them away

I twist and I turn till I find some repose

let tomorrow be better is all that I pray

I wake to the dawn of a brand new day

full of promise and hope and blessings so great

there's life to live and love to share

but in the darkness, the voices...they wait

What Goes Up Must Come Down

2009-01-12T23:30:00.000-05:00

One night my freshman year in college at Virginia Tech my friends and I had gone into town for a night of the usual...a stop in at Greek's Cellar, maybe a trip to Steve's Dogs for the best chili dogs on the planet, and, of course, a visit to Top of the Stairs (if you don't know these places, you were obviously not in Blacksburg in the 80's). Suffice it to say that there was much beer consumed before we called it a night. We made our way back to the dorm and for some reason, my friends felt the need to walk me to my room. I'm sure that was just their way of being good companions and had nothing to do with my level of inebriation.

In any case, I remember us being in the hall outside my room for some reason...maybe I couldn't find my key. I was feeling tired, so I sat down on the floor. Then three guys we didn't know walked past us with a glint in their eyes and a purposeful stride. I immediately bounded up off the floor and started walking with them asking where we were heading. For some strange reason, my friends' civic duty seems to have ended there as they let me wander off with these strangers. Turns out that they were headed to Cassell Coliseum, where the Hokies play basketball. Interestingly enough, they were not going into the coliseum, they were interested in climbing the exterior of the building all the way to the roof.

A word of explaination...Cassell Coliseum is a somewhat shallow, upside down parabola (see picture above) with these massive flying buttresses off to the side (see picture below). The theory was that if you stood back far enough and ran fast enough, you would have enough momentum to get you past the breaking point and could walk up to the roof. Well, I mean to tell you, my three new best friends and I did exactly that. A good running start, making sure to stay on the buttress, and before we knew it, we were on the roof. Oh, the sights we could see...the laughs that we had just knowing that we had gone where few others had dared to tread. It was all joy and happiness until the moment we realized that we had to get down.

In all fairness, I really don't remember how the other guys handled getting down or if they had any trepidation at all. For myself, I was pretty much scared shitless. There seemed to be no way to get down without plummeting to my death. When it finally dawned on me that I would have to get down somehow, I realized that the only way was to carefully make my way back down one of the butresses. So, I started down the only way that seemed to make sense...backward. This was all well and good and seemed to work well until I reached the aforementioned breaking point. Suddenly, I started sliding down toward the ground at an alarming rate. In an effort to slow my descent, I grasped the sides of the buttress with my hands and kneeled down on it. Both my hands and my knees began to hurt, but I did make it to the ground without losing life or limb. I checked myself over and saw that my hands were a bit torn up and the knees of my jeans were completely ripped out. Ah well...a small price to pay to bodly go where no man has gone before.

Afterward: I never did see those three gentleman again...course, then again, I probably wouldn't recognize them if I did.

After Afterward: I have since heard that the university has installed security measures to ensure that no crazy students attempt this stunt...guess I'm not so unique after all.

Memories of Lucasta

2009-01-10T11:01:00.004-05:00

For English class my senior year in high school, we had an assignment to memorize any poem from our textbook that was 12 lines or more. Being the incredible scholar and amazing procrastinator that I am, I kept putting off this assignment. I went to school on the day it was due and had about 5 minutes before class began. I figured that was a good time to start reading poetry. I quickly scanned my book until I found a 12 line poem...I figured there was no need to go beyond the call of duty. In those 5 minutes, I read and re-read that poem until I felt that I could regurgitate it on command. I was successful, got an A on the assignment and figured that was the end of it. Interestingly though, from that day to this, even though more than 25 years have passed, I still remember that poem. I never read it again and had only spent those 5 minutes memorizing it, but somehow it stays in my mind year after year. The brain is an amazing thing, isn't it? Makes me wonder though, why is it that I can remember this poem but I can have trouble remembering people's names or what I ate yesterday?

So here is the poem, straight out of my head...I didn't check to see that I still have it word for word but, if not, I'm sure it is close:

To Lucasta On Going to War

by Richard Lovelace

Tell me not Sweet that I am unkind
That from the nunnery

Of thy chaste breast and quiet mind

To war and arms I fly

True a new mistress now I chase,

The first foe in the field

And with a stronger faith embrace

A horse, a sword, a shield

Yet this inconstancy is such,

That you too shall adore

I could not love thee dear so much

Loved I not honor more

A Look at the Year of the Rat

2009-01-03T10:35:00.004-05:00

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2008 was the year of the Rat (well, technically it was an Earth Rat year, but we don't need to go into that). I found the following characterization of a Rat year...

A Rat Year is a time of hard work, activity, and renewal. This is a good year to begin a new job, get married, launch a product or make a fresh start. Ventures begun now may not yield fast returns, but opportunities will come for people who are well prepared and resourceful. The best way for you to succeed is to be patient, let things develop slowly, and make the most of every opening you can find.

Hmm...I was unemployed and got divorced in 2008, so I'm not sure I would consider this accurate...I certainly did make a fresh start though...software engineer to massage therapist.

So let's just take a closer look at my Rat Year...here is a month by month listing of events, milestones, and various and sundry "stuff":

January

New Year's Eve Party - armed only with a tux and a bottle of Dom, I went not knowing what to expect...ended up having an amazing time.
Road Trip to Key West - took a month long road trip south, stopping off at Myrtle Beach, Charleston, Savannah, Ft Lauderdale, and, finally, Key West. This was an awesome trip and educational too...I learned a lot about Milk Duds

February

Intuitive Reading Party - surf shop, commitments, buffets, and me giving readings upstairs...and so my adventures into intuition begin.

March

Movie Nights at my Place - Bubba Ho-Tep, Harold and Kumar, Superbad & Team America...Fuck yeah!
Potomac Point Winery - wine stained shirts, broken glasses, and now I own a barrel of wine.
Began a relationship with an amazing woman - I lived, I laughed, I loved...learned so much and I think, just like the Grinch, my heart grew 3 sizes.

April

One Year of Meetup - celebrated the anniversary of my entry into the meetup world with all my friends. Had a great time and I even ended up dancing in public...that's right there's even video evidence.
EDM Bonfire - not really a major event in the grand scheme of things but it is such a good memory and I just remember being happy! happy! happy!
Charlottesville Wine Trip - the frog hops at midnight...'nuff said.

May

Costa Rica Trip - ziplining in the rain forest, rappelling through waterfalls, white water rafting and volcanic mud baths.

June

Blind Wine Tasting - hijinx and hilarity and lots of red wine...and the only time I have ever seen every one of my friends dump a glass of wine

July

Breaux's Key West Wine Festival - Nebbiolo served HOT and cheap psychic readings

August

Trip to the Northwest - impromptu vacation to Washington and Oregon that included a trip to Mt St Helens, a climb up Mt Rainier, and a personal message for me from the universe.

September

Divorce Court - not exactly a happy thing but it is what was needed. I actually managed to represent myself in this divorce...total cost $60...Mr DeLong, you may proceed.
Sailing Vacation - spent a week sailing around Chesapeake Bay with two of my best friends...incredible meals, party island, dinghy docks and headlamps ("Is my daughter in there?")

October

Marine Corps Marathon - first time I have run a marathon with no training...can you say pain? Still, not my worst time ever.
Obama in Leesburg - amazing to experience firsthand the emotions behind his campaign...my status as a Republican may be in danger

November

Shamanic Healing Class - went to Canada for a week to take a class on shamanic healing. Performed 3 or 4 healings and actually had someone tell me they thought I had a talent for it.

December

Massage School - started a 7 month program that will turn me into a nationally certified massage therapist...quite a change from writing software. The goal is for this to get me that much closer to opening a healing center.
Another Road Trip - ended the year the way I started it...road tripping to Florida to spend Christmas at the beach...and I had the bestest road companion ever.

All in all, I guess it was a very eventful year. I certainly did take quite a few trips. You know, looking at this list, I realize that, while 2008 had quite a few bad times in store for me, I had some of the best times of my life. I have memories that will keep me warm, glowing, and smiling for the rest of my life. Can't really complain too much about that.

So this post has gone on and on and it has rambled all over the place so in a last ditch effort to pretend that it is coherent, I will circle back and end as I began...with the Chinese Zodiac. I was born in the year of the Rabbit...so here is what the zodiac has to say about me...what do you think? Does it sound like me?

People born under the sign of the rabbit are gentle, sensitive, modest, and merciful and have strong memory. They like to communicate with others in a humorous manner. They cannot bear dull life, so they are good at creating romantic or interesting spice. But they lack meditative abilities and often sink money into ideas that may cause failures in their career.

Ghost of Christmas Past

2008-12-26T09:51:00.003-05:00

With it being the Christmas season and all, I thought I would share a story of a Christmas past...

When I moved back to Virginia from Florida in October of '85, I got a job as a night auditor at a Holiday Inn. Night Auditor is essentially the person that works through the night (11pm - 7am), is the manager on duty (usually you are the only person there, so you are in charge) and balances what the registers say was taken in to the actual cash on hand. I was always good at balancing the books, so the actual work took only a few hours and then I was free to do what I wanted...usually sleep. However...many interesting things can happen in a hotel overnight, so very often it was worth my while to stay up and be entertained by the goings on.

One evening in December, when the hotel lobby was beautifully decorated with a Christmas tree and about a hundred gorgeous poinsetta plants, I arrived at work a little early...around 10:45. A little after midnight, soon after the hotel bar had closed, as I was going about my usual work routine, a man approached the desk. He started talking to me but I thought the way he began the conversation was a little strange...

"What time did you start working tonight?" he queried.

I replied, "My shift started at eleven, but I was actually here a little before that."

"Yes...yes, it must be you," he said.

As I said, I thought this a little odd, but I was distracted with my work and didn't really give it much thought. The man continued on...

"Today is my wife's birthday," he said. "And I really wanted to do something special for her."

So, I'm figuring that he wanted to buy a nice bottle of champagne from the bar for her but had found that the bar was closed. I started to prepare myself to tell him that there was nothing I could do, as I wasn't legally allowed to sell alcohol and didn't have the keys to the bar in any case.

"When we got here, around ten till eleven, my wife looked around and was really impressed."

Okay...now I'm thinking that his wife has a December birthday so feels a sort of affinity for Poinsettia plants. I will say, the hotel had done a magnificient job decorating and the Poinsettias were the prettiest ones I had ever seen. I'm sure that I wasn't supposed to, and probably would get in trouble if anyone found out, but I was going to tell the guy he could take a plant or two for his wife...with best wishes for a happy birthday.

"So...what I'm trying to say...that is...what my wife really wants and I would like to give her for her birthday...is another man."

Say what! Guess I was young and naieve, but I really hadn't seen that coming. I explained that I was on duty and could not leave the desk unattended. He looked a little crestfallen and gave me their room number...in case I changed my mind...and then wandered off.

From that day to this, I have never regretted my decision to pass on this offer...but I do wonder sometimes if there would have been some sort of gift bow involved.

Three of Clubs

2008-12-24T17:02:00.009-05:00

Earlier today I was meditating and at some point I got into what I will call a trance like state. I was sitting there, my mind blank and floating, who knows where, when something unusual happened. I heard a voice say "three of clubs." Having no idea what this might mean, I did what I always do when faced with the unknowable...I consulted google.

My search yielded this website which talks of interpreting a playing card by looking at the meaning of the corresponding tarot card. They specifically talk of the three of clubs and how it corresponds to the three of wands. This is the meaning that they assign to it...

“On the Three of Wands, we see a figure standing on a cliff looking out over the sea to distant mountains. From this height, he sees all that lies ahead. This is a card of vision and foresight. When we want to see farther, we climb higher. By going up, we increase our range and remove ourselves from the immediate situation. We detach and gain perspective.

In readings, the Three of Wands can tell you to take the long view. Don’t react to the heat of the moment, but step back and reconsider. See how the present fits into the greater picture. This card asks you to be a visionary - to dream beyond current limitations. It can indicate premonitions or other intuitions about what is to come.

Taking the long view is an aspect of leadership - another meaning of the Three of Wands. When we see far, we have the knowledge to guide others to their best future. Someone who knows the way can show it to those who follow. When you see the Three of Wands, know that now is the time to accept your vision and be confident that you can lead others to it.

A leader not only sees far, but he is willing to go there first, if necessary. The Three of Wands is also a card of exploration. Compare this figure to the Fool who is also on a cliff edge. The Fool steps out in innocence, not realizing he is going to fall to his fate. The adventurer on the Three of Wands is also willing to step out, but with full awareness of what he is doing. His courage is more informed, if less spontaneous. The Three of Wands encourages you to move fearlessly into new areas. Let the ships on your horizon take you far out into unknown seas.”

I have no idea if I was supposed to receive a message, and, if so, if this is the message and meaning meant for me. What I do know is that I like it and I think I will start making more of an effort to let the ships on my horizon take me into unknown seas (No, Ryan, I don't think they are talking about going sailing).

On the Road Again

2008-12-24T10:38:00.003-05:00

So, as I head south for warmer climes on a Christmas break cross-country road trip (why does cross-country seem to me as though it should apply only to East/West trips and not North/South...doesn't matter, I will be at the beach either way), a question occurs to me. What is it about the open road that quickens my heart and stirs my blood? Why do I get a glowing sense of happiness and smile for what seems no reason at all? I think it must be my sense of adventure, of the unknown, of rising up to meet life head on and just experiencing the glory of it. When I take a road trip, I have no definite plans, so I never know what I will see, who I will meet, or what I will experience. I tend to live fully in each moment as it comes, to go with the flow...to live it, experience it, learn from it and then move on. Rather than ask why I enjoy unplanned road trips, perhaps the better question is why I don't live every day of my life as if I were on one...hmm...food for thought there.

No One is to Blame...

2008-12-21T11:49:00.007-05:00

So, for about the last day or so this song has been running through my head. Don't think I heard it recently...it just came bubbling up out of the dim recesses of the past and started circling around my brain...like the pheonix rising from the ashes of its death...or maybe more like the stench rising from a cowpie in which you have just stepped...yes, I think that is more like it. In any case, I thought I would borrow a page from Ryan's playbook and post the lyrics. Maybe there is some kind of message in there for me (kinda hope it isn't "Aspirations in the clouds but your hopes go down the drain")...maybe I am having some kind of flashback to the 80's (hey...they weren't THAT bad)...but hopefully publishing this here will purge it from my brain and restore my normal cranial soundtrack.

"No One is to Blame" - Howard Jones

You can look at the menu but you just cant eat
You can feel the cushions but you cant have a seat
You can dip your foot in the pool but you cant have a swim
You can feel the punishment but you cant commit the sin
And you want her and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
You can build a mansion but you just cant live in it
Youre the fastest runner but youre not allowed to win
Some break the rules
And live to count the cost
The insecurity is the thing that wont get lost
And you want her and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
You can see the summit but you cant reach it
Its the last piece of the puzzle but you just cant make it fit
Doctor says youre cured but you still feel the pain
Aspirations in the clouds but your hopes go down the drain
And you want her and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
No one ever is to blame
No one ever is to blame

Just Like Mario Kart

2008-09-04T11:53:00.007-04:00

When I started this blog, the idea was to write funny, interesting, and bizarre stories from my past. I guess maybe my present has been too interesting (yeah, right!) because I have yet to tell a tale of years past. So...here we go...a recounting of a golden moment in my life...

Back in the early 80's, I was living alone in my parents' house in Ft Myers, Florida. Yep, a four bedroom house complete with a pool...and best of all, rent-free (that's a story unto itself). My car at the time was a 1972 VW 411 that I had inherited from my grandfather. No air-conditioning and black vinyl interior in Florida, what a treat! Yes, that is me and the wonder vehicle in the photo on the left...note the tan (probably the darkest I have ever been...I worked on a golf course in FL), the high school class ring and, of course, the Ozzy Osbourne concert shirt. This was not what I would consider my intellectual period...and here are a few car stories to prove it:

At some point, the lock cylinder on my VW started to have problems. Every now and then, the mechanism that locked the key in the ignition would jam. This would require me to unplug the cylinder from the electrical harness, remove it, and reset the mechanism. One day, probably when I was running late to work, the lock cylinder jammed but my normal procedure failed to reset the jam. There I was holding the lock cylinder in my hand, trying and trying to reset it...and getting more and more frustrated with each attempt. Eventually, I hit my boiling point and decided I would show that lock who was in charge...I threw it down on my driveway with all the might I could muster. Not exactly the cleverest thing to do. As I watched in horror, the entire lock cylinder exploded from the force and pieces went flying in every direction. So...what was a poor boy to do? I had a job to get to and a car that could get me there, it was just missing that key piece of equipment...the ignition switch. Armed with some wire strippers and no knowledge whatsoever, I went to work and within about 5 minutes I figured out how to hotwire a car (its actually pretty easy). Later that day, I ran by Radio Shack and made a few purchases and before you know it, I had the only car I have ever seen that started by flipping a switch and pressing a button...impressive, no?

After having survived a few winters in VA and then a year in the brutal Ft Myers sun, the lovely green paint job on my car started to look really bad. The color became faded and splotchy and in some places the paint was flaking off. Given these circumstances, one day my friend and I decided it was high time to give it a new, homemade paint job. And what color did we decide to paint it? Why, what other color could we possibly pick except camouflage? And not just any camouflage...oh no, this was special...we used spray paint and unwittingly mixed forest and desert colors. Needless to say, from that day on, I received many, many "compliments" from other drivers on the road..."nice war wagon!"..."Hey! Does Hitler know you have his car?"...and other such fun. Feel free to add your own comments...I've even included the photo on the right to give that all important visual. Trash the car as you deem appropriate, but please be kind to me...that was my orange haired Tom Petty period and I am still recovering from the emotional scars.

Ft Myers is separated from Cape Coral, the town just to the west, by the Caloosahatchee River. Back in those days, there was only one bridge that spanned the river connecting the two towns, the Cape Coral Bridge. At 3400 feet long and 55 feet tall, this was not an insignificant bridge...If you don't believe me, check out the picture (and its all artsy too, framed by a tree and all). So one day I went over to Cape Coral to return some videos I had rented the previous day. Since I had only had the tapes for a day, I expected, go figure, to pay for just one day's rental. So imagine my surprise when the wonderfully helpful sales clerk said that it had been over 24 hours (it had been just over 25) so I would have to pay an extra day's rental. Being a perpetually broke person at that point in my life (I mean, for goodness sakes, look at the car I was driving), I was not happy. Suddenly, my spiteful side rose up and decided that if I was going to pay for an extra day, I would be damned if I would let them rent the tape again and get double the fee. I took the videos with me and vowed to return the next day at precisely the cut off time so that I would get every penny's worth...and the store would not have the opportunity to rent again before then. There I was, crossing the Cape Coral bridge heading for home, when I glanced over at the offending videos on the seat next to me. It all suddenly hit me...the extra cost, the fact that I would have to go back to Cape Coral tomorrow...and yes, probably my stupidity at not just returning the tapes. In a burst of frustration, I hit the steering wheel...and it came off in my hand! For just a split second, I continued trying to steer with the disembodied wheel...then I stared at it, failed at trying to jam it back on the steering column and threw it into the back seat. By this time, my car was heading for the edge of the bridge just about at the midpoint...the highest point of the span. In a frenzy of panic, I grabbed the exposed steering hub and tried to steer with it. In case you are ever in this situation, let me give you some advice...do not try this! It is impossible to do and will tear up your hands to boot. Luckily my feet are smarter than my head and they had figured out to hit the brake pretty quickly. My car rolled to a stop within inches of the guard rail...whew! I turned on my flashers and just sat there for a few minutes catching my breath. Then I retrieved the steering wheel from the back seat, very carefully worked it back on the hub, and drove home. I believe I spent the rest of the day floating around the pool with a cool drink trying very hard not to think about what happened. Curiously, I have no recollection of whether I actually made it back to the store in time with the videos...but I'm sure if I was late, I would have just paid the fee.

A Word to the Wise...

2008-08-24T12:20:00.006-04:00

On my recent trip to the Pacific Northwest, I went to Mt Rainier and then drove back to I-5 and found a hotel to crash in for the night (roadside hotels, don't get me started...ugh!). The next day was my last day before flying home and I was planning to drive up to SeaTac (where the airport is located), get a hotel for the night (or as much of a night as I would get...flight out was at 5:15 am), and then drive into downtown Seattle and check out the market again.

All went according to plan the next morning, I checked out and hit the road heading north to SeaTac on I-5. That's when something unexpected happened...I took an exit. I saw a sign for a state park and, for some reason, I found myself getting off the interstate. As I was driving the 2 - 3 miles to the park, heading down a 50 mph two lane highway that just happened to be deserted, I came upon a deer just standing at the side of the road looking at me. I slowed my car to a stop and looked at the deer...and the deer continued to look at me. Then a fawn came out of the woods and joined the adult, which I now took to be its mother. I looked at them and they looked back at me as if to say, "Hello! Glad you could make it." As soon as I picked up my camera, which was sitting on the passenger's seat, both deer ran off into the woods. It was after this somewhat surreal experience that I really started to wonder why I wasn't still heading north...why had I taken that exit?

I continued on to the park, got out of my car, and proceeded to walk around. It was the kind of park that I LOVE! There was a forest of big, fragrant pine trees with trails running through it, campfires were permitted so there was a scent of woodsmoke in the air, and right in the middle of the park was a beautiful lake...Deep Lake. I wandered around, just absorbing and enjoying all of the sights, sounds, and scents...and taking lots of pictures, of course. My wanderings took me past a multitude of picnic tables scattered throughout the woods, but I kept wandering. A few hours later, I decided I wanted to sit and read in this beautiful place, so I continued through the woods until I came to one of the tables. As I sat, I looked down at the table and there, scratched into its surface was a message. It said, "Call everything by its name." So, I put my book away and sat there contemplating this message. Soon I was pondering life, the universe, and everything...and my place in it.

It was at that point that something, which had been building all during this trip, came to fruition. At a random picnic table, in a park I wasn't supposed to be at, sitting next to Deep Lake, staring at a mysterious carved message, I found me...and more amazingly...I found I love me. That's right, flaws, issues, and all...I love me. Still sounds corny saying it (or writing it in this case), but its true and, while not much time has passed since, my life has already been changed for the better because of it.

While I'm still not sure what that message means...I do have some ideas, but still not sure...one thing of which I am convinced is that it was specifically meant for me.

Just How Slow is Slow?

2008-08-09T03:26:00.004-04:00

So...on my way driving from Redmond, WA to Portland, OR, I had to drive on a small road on which some construction was happening. If I am remembering correctly, the right lane was closed and traffic was being diverted around the constuction by using a turn lane (in other words, the traffic in the opposite direction was not being stopped). As I came up on the construction area, I saw the usual signs...the ones that say something about construction and being prepared to stop. I approached the actual construction, where there were actual construction workers and I saw a guy standing somewhat in the road with the infamous "slow" sign. I had already slowed somewhat and proceeded to slow more as I passed him. There was nothing in the road and I was now coasting with my foot ready on the brake. The guy holding the sign started to give me the universal construction worker sign to slow down by flapping one arm rapidly up and down. Next thing I know, another construction worker leaps into the road in front of my car, causing me to come to a complete stop (which I did, by the way, without any trouble or screeching brakes) and he then proceeds to take pictures of me, my car, and my license plate...as if to say "Ha, ha! we have you now." I don't understand what the point of this exercise was...the sign said only "slow" and I was already going what I considered a slow speed (20 to 25 miles under the posted speed limit). Was I supposed to know that "slow" actually meant slower than I was going? Does anyone know...just how slow is slow?

Luke, I am your father...

2008-08-07T13:14:00.004-04:00

On the advice of my psychic, my therapist, and my better judgement, I am in the Pacific Northwest on a spontaneous vacation. I flew out here with just a car reservation with the idea that I would drive around and see what I could see.

Yesterday I was in Seattle and I stopped in at The Pike, a local brewpub. I ended up talking with a fellow patron and we got into a bit of a disagreement. We were discussing wine (yes, yes, I know...talking wine in a brewpub, how snooty...patootie even) and the ranking of Virginia as a wine producing state came up...which is where we disagreed. I said it was in the top 3 and he, a professional in the local regional wine industry, said it was not even in the top 10...turns out we were both wrong, it actually ranks 5th. After we resolved our debate, he mentioned that I should check out Woodenville, where there are many good wineries (and a good brewpub). After we parted ways, I tried to look Woodenville up on my GPS but had no luck.

Later on in the day, I visited the Space Needle and on my way out, I noticed one of those racks that holds tourist brochures. Lo and behold...there was a brochure advertising the Woodinville wine country. That explains my difficulty, I had been spelling it wrong. So I decided to head north, check into a hotel, and visit the wineries the next day. The back of the brochure listed 3 places to stay near the wineries so I figured I was all set. My first choice was a B&B, so I drove to it thinking they were sure to have a room on a Wednesday night. However, when I got there, the door was locked and I just got an answering machine when I called. Giving up on it, I picked my 2nd choice and, being a little smarter now, called them to check their availability. Wouldn't you know it, they were sold out. Ah well...last choice, a Marriott, it is.

I drove to the Marriott and checked in. It is located in a kind of town center, somewhat similar to the Reston town center with lots of stores and office buildings. This morning I went for a run and at one point I stopped and checked out a map of what was in the center. Turns out Microsoft has a major presence right here...coincidence? act of God? the breath of the universe pushing me along in the right direction? I don't know, but for an out of work software engineer, finding out that the largest software company in the world is 2 doors down from you seems somewhat miraculous. So...I am going to get cleaned up from my run and then pop on over and ask if they could use my services. I figure the worst that could happen is they call security (not like I haven't been there before) and...who knows?...I could end up with one of those cushy jobs on a death star.

And I ran, I ran so far away

2008-07-31T14:07:00.006-04:00

So today I finally got some new running shoes...Brooks Adrenaline GTS 8's...aren't they beautiful? Decided I had to put them to the test so I went for a 7 mile run on the W&OD trail...well, actually on the bridle path beside the trail. The shoes were comfortable, the run felt good and the little bit of rain there was actually helped to cool me down. I noticed something on this run that I thought was a little strange. I saw a lot of animals...numerous rabbits, two groundhogs, a Siamese cat, and a whole leash of deer. All of these animals just stood and watched me run by (except the cat, the only domesticated animal, who ran away)...and I was passing within 5 feet or less of them. It just made me wonder why they didn't run or at least back away from me. Could it be that they are so used to seeing people on the trail that they have become blasé? Or maybe there is something about running that puts me into a state of mind where I am more open and in tune with the natural world and they could sense this? I'm thinking the ladder...no the farmer...umm...actually I think it is probably a combination of the two. I know that when I run, I can get to a place where all cares and thoughts of the future are gone...like my mind turns off and I just feel light and open and free. I wonder if everyone has something in their life that produces this feeling? In any case, the wildlife (except that darn cat...we are Siamese indeed!) added to the enjoyment of the run and I rewarded myself with some excellent BBQ afterwards :-)