Darkness

Darkness descends and extinguishes the light

Nothing can be sensed, nothing can be felt

No way forward, no way back

Nowhere to go, nowhere to turn

Nothing remains

Only Darkness

The Power of the Finger

As long as I can remember, I have had this problem. A need to do things the "right" way, a fear of screwing up, of not being capable of what I was attempting. This problem was affecting my life in many ways, but never so strongly as when other people were involved. I'm sure part of this was the fear of looking stupid in front of others, and I think everyone has this fear to some degree. For me, it went much beyond that.

Last year I went to a week long Shamanic healing class where, on the last few days, the students were asked to perform some healings on each other. I felt completely inadequate to do this. Even though we were all there to learn, I was incredibly concerned about the quality of healing that my "client" would receive. Each morning I would have a sense of dread and panic over the upcoming healing I would have to perform, and each evening I had a great feeling of relief that I had survived the day. On several mornings, I came very close to just getting in the car and driving away...escaping from the overwhelming feelings. I didn't leave, I stayed to the end and I actually think the class was worthwhile...on the last day, I even had one of my clients tell me that he thought I had a real talent for this healing work. Deep inside of me though, I knew that my problem still lurked.

This past December, I started attending massage therapy school. I go to school four days a week for seven months. Each of those days, I spend half the day in lecture and half the day in bodywork. This means that I am giving (and receiving, which is definitely a perk) a full body massage to another student four days of each week. When I first started, all was well. We were told exactly what to do to practice the various strokes and stances involved. After two weeks though, I started to have a problem. Each day, we were supposed to pair up with someone and give a full body massage...no instructions...no rules to follow...just give a massage. Soon, my feelings of fear and panic were in full bloom. I doubted myself, terrified that I would do something wrong. Every day was torture for me...I actually started feeling nauseous each day as the time for me to give a massage came closer. I was told by the teacher and by the other students that I had good hands, gave a smooth massage, and was a calming presence. Didn't matter...each day of school was still torture for me. Let me say, for the record, this is no way to live...something had to be done.

I went to see my mentor...that's right, I have a mentor and I still get jazzed when I say it...who is an incredible man. He is a practicing clinical social worker, energy worker, and an amazing human being. Usually when I go to see him, we talk about things like intuition, chakras, energy, and the power of not knowing. This time however, after I explained my problem, he said that what I wanted was therapy. He thought (more likely, tuned in to guidance) for a moment, and then said that he thought EMDR was what would help. For more information on EMDR you can go here, but for my purposes I will just explain that you sit and follow the therapist's fingers with your eyes as they move back and forth in front of your face, all the while thinking of the issue that you are trying to resolve. Before we started, I was asked to close my eyes and imagine giving a massage. As I did, my stomach knotted up and my hands felt shaky, cold, and clammy. As the treatment progressed, I was asked to go back to when I first had these feelings. Out of nowhere, a memory popped up. A memory that I didn't even realize I had until EMDR pulled it out of my head...

My father was always big into ham radio and electronics. He was a fan of a company called Heathkit that made kits that allowed you to build electronic equipment. The majority of the work involved in these kits was soldering the various electronic components onto a circuit board. When I was a young child, my dad ordered one of these kits for me. I believe the idea was that we could build it together, that way we would have some fun time together and I could learn about electronics. This part of the memory is unclear, but I think that, because my dad didn't have a lot of free time, I must have begun assembling this kit on my own. What I do remember very clearly is that I soldered the wrong resistor into the wrong place on the circuit board (hmm...question of the day...is that the same as putting the wrong thing in the right place? or the right thing in the wrong place?). I don't remember my dad's reaction when he found out other than that he was upset. Knowing my dad, I assume there was a lot of very loud yelling, both in general and at me specifically. In any case, his reaction isn't important, what is important is my perception of his reaction. Apparently, what I took from this was that I had done something WRONG and when you do things the WRONG way, people you love get very angry with you (and perhaps love you less?).

I was amazed that this memory had been dredged up and even more amazed that such a small thing when I was a child could have such dire consequences for my life. After explaining this memory to my mentor, the treatment continued but with a difference. At first, the treatment seemed to intensify my feelings of anxiety, but now I was starting to feel calm and almost peaceful. I will spare you the rest of the gory details of the treatment other than the final outcome. After all the finger waving was over, I was again asked to close my eyes and imagine giving a massage. As I did so, a happy feeling came over me and the statement "I'm good at this!" came blurting out of my mouth (it actually kind of embarassed me, but there you have it).

I don't know if I am, in fact, good at giving a massage. I don't know if I do anything wrong when I am giving a massage. What I do know is that, ever since the EMDR session, I don't have any of the fear, nervousness, or anxiety that used to plague me. I go into the bodywork room happy to have the opportunity to learn and practice something that I enjoy.

Who's the Fool Now?

This morning before going to school, I decided to meditate for a bit. As I always do when I meditate, I put on some nice music, lit some incense and candles, and opened a sacred space. After a couple minutes, I had settled in and quieted my mind and was just drifting. It was pretty much my usual relaxing, refreshing, centering, spiritual time...and then something unexpected happened.

I don't really know what was real and what wasn't, I just know that for a moment it seemed that I had stepped out of time. Everything was still...my breathing stopped...even the music that was playing stopped. I suddenly had the feeling of standing on the edge of a precipice and wanting nothing more than to step off that cliff. This was not a death wish or even a scary thought, it just seemed like a grand adventure leading to something wondrous. Whatever this was, it quickly passed. I became conscious of my breathing and the music started playing again.

I was left with a sense of wonder and the memory of that cliff. It brought to mind the tarot card of The Fool, so I looked up the meaning of that card and here is what I found:

The Fool card is the first card of the Tarot deck, and as such it represents the beginning of something. It is almost impossible to predict exactly what will happen, since it is invariably something new, and not based upon what has gone before. The Fool defies rationality or logic. This creates an excitable sensation, a frisson or shock to the system.

The Fool can represent the desire for rebirth, or making a new start to life, but with the proviso that the future path is not mapped out. The Fool is Nothing and Everything. It is the Empty set that contains all within it. The Fool is associated with fertility and the primal energy of Spring with the connotations of birth, rebirth, and transformation (Jesus died on the cross and rose again).

As a strategy, the Fool is all about avoiding the common path that everyone treads. It is finding new viewpoints, new ideas, shocking concepts, beliefs, or views. For hints as to where the Fool might be going, look to the cards around it, but remember that we may also be seeing nascent energies emanating from these cards. If you desire something different, a fresh start, the Fool is the card for you.

The Fool represents crazy wisdom that shocks the listener into new states of consciousness. You can never retread a tyre when the Fool is around. The Fool is an indescribable state of consciousness that works on impulse. It can never allow an external influence - everything is from within.

I would be interested to know if anyone out there in blog land sees me in this description of The Fool, if you have another meaning for The Fool that seems appropriate, if you see some sort of message here that I need to pay attention to, or if you have a completely different interpretation of my experience. Let me know what you think.

An Original Poem...

Voices

in the dark, still hours of the night

loneliness settles over me like a shroud

cold as the grave and as heavy as death

with a silence so complete it seems too loud

then the voices begin in their sibilant whisper

telling me things I don't want to believe

you're unloved, unwanted, unneeded, and useless

if you were to die there's no one would grieve

I know these are lies meant to torture my soul

so I block out the voices and send them away

I twist and I turn till I find some repose

let tomorrow be better is all that I pray

I wake to the dawn of a brand new day

full of promise and hope and blessings so great

there's life to live and love to share

but in the darkness, the voices...they wait

What Goes Up Must Come Down

One night my freshman year in college at Virginia Tech my friends and I had gone into town for a night of the usual...a stop in at Greek's Cellar, maybe a trip to Steve's Dogs for the best chili dogs on the planet, and, of course, a visit to Top of the Stairs (if you don't know these places, you were obviously not in Blacksburg in the 80's). Suffice it to say that there was much beer consumed before we called it a night. We made our way back to the dorm and for some reason, my friends felt the need to walk me to my room. I'm sure that was just their way of being good companions and had nothing to do with my level of inebriation.

In any case, I remember us being in the hall outside my room for some reason...maybe I couldn't find my key. I was feeling tired, so I sat down on the floor. Then three guys we didn't know walked past us with a glint in their eyes and a purposeful stride. I immediately bounded up off the floor and started walking with them asking where we were heading. For some strange reason, my friends' civic duty seems to have ended there as they let me wander off with these strangers. Turns out that they were headed to Cassell Coliseum, where the Hokies play basketball. Interestingly enough, they were not going into the coliseum, they were interested in climbing the exterior of the building all the way to the roof.

A word of explaination...Cassell Coliseum is a somewhat shallow, upside down parabola (see picture above) with these massive flying buttresses off to the side (see picture below). The theory was that if you stood back far enough and ran fast enough, you would have enough momentum to get you past the breaking point and could walk up to the roof. Well, I mean to tell you, my three new best friends and I did exactly that. A good running start, making sure to stay on the buttress, and before we knew it, we were on the roof. Oh, the sights we could see...the laughs that we had just knowing that we had gone where few others had dared to tread. It was all joy and happiness until the moment we realized that we had to get down.

In all fairness, I really don't remember how the other guys handled getting down or if they had any trepidation at all. For myself, I was pretty much scared shitless. There seemed to be no way to get down without plummeting to my death. When it finally dawned on me that I would have to get down somehow, I realized that the only way was to carefully make my way back down one of the butresses. So, I started down the only way that seemed to make sense...backward. This was all well and good and seemed to work well until I reached the aforementioned breaking point. Suddenly, I started sliding down toward the ground at an alarming rate. In an effort to slow my descent, I grasped the sides of the buttress with my hands and kneeled down on it. Both my hands and my knees began to hurt, but I did make it to the ground without losing life or limb. I checked myself over and saw that my hands were a bit torn up and the knees of my jeans were completely ripped out. Ah well...a small price to pay to bodly go where no man has gone before.

Afterward: I never did see those three gentleman again...course, then again, I probably wouldn't recognize them if I did.

After Afterward: I have since heard that the university has installed security measures to ensure that no crazy students attempt this stunt...guess I'm not so unique after all.

Memories of Lucasta

For English class my senior year in high school, we had an assignment to memorize any poem from our textbook that was 12 lines or more. Being the incredible scholar and amazing procrastinator that I am, I kept putting off this assignment. I went to school on the day it was due and had about 5 minutes before class began. I figured that was a good time to start reading poetry. I quickly scanned my book until I found a 12 line poem...I figured there was no need to go beyond the call of duty. In those 5 minutes, I read and re-read that poem until I felt that I could regurgitate it on command. I was successful, got an A on the assignment and figured that was the end of it. Interestingly though, from that day to this, even though more than 25 years have passed, I still remember that poem. I never read it again and had only spent those 5 minutes memorizing it, but somehow it stays in my mind year after year. The brain is an amazing thing, isn't it? Makes me wonder though, why is it that I can remember this poem but I can have trouble remembering people's names or what I ate yesterday?

So here is the poem, straight out of my head...I didn't check to see that I still have it word for word but, if not, I'm sure it is close:

To Lucasta On Going to War

by Richard Lovelace

Tell me not Sweet that I am unkind
That from the nunnery

Of thy chaste breast and quiet mind

To war and arms I fly

True a new mistress now I chase,

The first foe in the field

And with a stronger faith embrace

A horse, a sword, a shield

Yet this inconstancy is such,

That you too shall adore

I could not love thee dear so much

Loved I not honor more

A Look at the Year of the Rat

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2008 was the year of the Rat (well, technically it was an Earth Rat year, but we don't need to go into that). I found the following characterization of a Rat year...

A Rat Year is a time of hard work, activity, and renewal. This is a good year to begin a new job, get married, launch a product or make a fresh start. Ventures begun now may not yield fast returns, but opportunities will come for people who are well prepared and resourceful. The best way for you to succeed is to be patient, let things develop slowly, and make the most of every opening you can find.

Hmm...I was unemployed and got divorced in 2008, so I'm not sure I would consider this accurate...I certainly did make a fresh start though...software engineer to massage therapist.

So let's just take a closer look at my Rat Year...here is a month by month listing of events, milestones, and various and sundry "stuff":

January

• New Year's Eve Party - armed only with a tux and a bottle of Dom, I went not knowing what to expect...ended up having an amazing time.
• Road Trip to Key West - took a month long road trip south, stopping off at Myrtle Beach, Charleston, Savannah, Ft Lauderdale, and, finally, Key West. This was an awesome trip and educational too...I learned a lot about Milk Duds

February

• Intuitive Reading Party - surf shop, commitments, buffets, and me giving readings upstairs...and so my adventures into intuition begin.

March

• Movie Nights at my Place - Bubba Ho-Tep, Harold and Kumar, Superbad & Team America...Fuck yeah!
• Potomac Point Winery - wine stained shirts, broken glasses, and now I own a barrel of wine.
• Began a relationship with an amazing woman - I lived, I laughed, I loved...learned so much and I think, just like the Grinch, my heart grew 3 sizes.

April

• One Year of Meetup - celebrated the anniversary of my entry into the meetup world with all my friends. Had a great time and I even ended up dancing in public...that's right there's even video evidence.
• EDM Bonfire - not really a major event in the grand scheme of things but it is such a good memory and I just remember being happy! happy! happy!
• Charlottesville Wine Trip - the frog hops at midnight...'nuff said.

May

• Costa Rica Trip - ziplining in the rain forest, rappelling through waterfalls, white water rafting and volcanic mud baths.

June

• Blind Wine Tasting - hijinx and hilarity and lots of red wine...and the only time I have ever seen every one of my friends dump a glass of wine

July

• Breaux's Key West Wine Festival - Nebbiolo served HOT and cheap psychic readings

August

• Trip to the Northwest - impromptu vacation to Washington and Oregon that included a trip to Mt St Helens, a climb up Mt Rainier, and a personal message for me from the universe.

September

• Divorce Court - not exactly a happy thing but it is what was needed. I actually managed to represent myself in this divorce...total cost $60...Mr DeLong, you may proceed.
• Sailing Vacation - spent a week sailing around Chesapeake Bay with two of my best friends...incredible meals, party island, dinghy docks and headlamps ("Is my daughter in there?")

October

• Marine Corps Marathon - first time I have run a marathon with no training...can you say pain? Still, not my worst time ever.
• Obama in Leesburg - amazing to experience firsthand the emotions behind his campaign...my status as a Republican may be in danger

November

• Shamanic Healing Class - went to Canada for a week to take a class on shamanic healing. Performed 3 or 4 healings and actually had someone tell me they thought I had a talent for it.

December

• Massage School - started a 7 month program that will turn me into a nationally certified massage therapist...quite a change from writing software. The goal is for this to get me that much closer to opening a healing center.
• Another Road Trip - ended the year the way I started it...road tripping to Florida to spend Christmas at the beach...and I had the bestest road companion ever.

All in all, I guess it was a very eventful year. I certainly did take quite a few trips. You know, looking at this list, I realize that, while 2008 had quite a few bad times in store for me, I had some of the best times of my life. I have memories that will keep me warm, glowing, and smiling for the rest of my life. Can't really complain too much about that.

So this post has gone on and on and it has rambled all over the place so in a last ditch effort to pretend that it is coherent, I will circle back and end as I began...with the Chinese Zodiac. I was born in the year of the Rabbit...so here is what the zodiac has to say about me...what do you think? Does it sound like me?

People born under the sign of the rabbit are gentle, sensitive, modest, and merciful and have strong memory. They like to communicate with others in a humorous manner. They cannot bear dull life, so they are good at creating romantic or interesting spice. But they lack meditative abilities and often sink money into ideas that may cause failures in their career.