So how does one go about changing their life? How do you go from one end of the spectrum to the other...and survive the process? A year ago, I was a Software Engineer (alright, so I was unemployed but I still considered myself a Software Engineer). Now...well, now I'm not quite sure what I am.I have spent most of my life learning rules and trying to follow them, trying to do things "right", submitting to those I looked at as authorities. When I was a teenager, I admired the Vulcan, Mr Spock, and even tried to emulate him, suppressing emotion and being ruled by logic. Since I have always been an emotional person, it seems strange, but my life became all about rules, analysis, and logic. Maybe that's why computer programming spoke to me and I excelled at it. For a long time, I enjoyed programming and found it fulfilling. For years I thought I was doing my life's calling. I had a successful career and a high paying job. I was respected at work, admired even, for my abilities. But in recent years, it all seemed to turn sour. Whether it was a change in myself or a change in the work, I don't know. I just know that I no longer felt happy or fulfilled. I found my work dull, boring, draining...soul-sucking even. This is why getting laid off at the end of 2007 was one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
Since then, I have been exploring, trying to find myself and my place in the world. I have traveled a bit (some would say a lot) which I think has broadened me and made me more open to different people, different cultures, and different ideas. I have read about, dabbled in, and trained in various spiritual practices: meditation, intuition, shamanism, energy healing. Somewhere along the way the seed of an idea was planted...that I could be an intuitive healer and open a healing center. A safe, welcoming place where people could come for healing and learning about spirit. A place that would provide guidance for people like me to transition from their old life to a new soul centered spiritual life. I have been taking steps to further this goal...I'm going to massage therapy school, I'm taking courses to strengthen my intuition, I'm enrolled in an upcoming energy healing seminar, and starting to look at what it takes to open and run a business. Even though I have this vision and I have been taking steps and moving in a direction to bring it to fruition, I am full of doubts...and I am scared.
I long to be open and free and creative, full of energy and fire, helping people, with a passion for something that makes a difference.
But I am scared.
I have started down this path and at times it feels so right that it resonates in my soul and gives me a warm, glowing feeling.
But I am scared.
I have received more confirmation than I ever thought possible - from friends, mentors, my own spirit, and the universe itself - that the changes I am making and the path I am on are leading me to a higher consciousness and the fulfillment of my soul's purpose.
But I am scared.
Why am I so scared? What am I scared of?
I'm scared that I'll discover it's all been a big mistake, that I have just been fooling myself. I'm scared that I will end up with no money, no job, no home, and no place to go. I'm scared that I will find myself all alone in a purgatory between worlds, too far changed to go back to my old life and unable to complete the journey to the new one. I'm scared that I will fail, that I wont be good enough or strong enough...that I just wont be enough. Maybe subconsciously, I'm scared of other things too...scared of succeeding, scared that I will be enough, scared of my own power, scared of letting go.
I don't know how my life will turn out, even in the short term I am unclear. I seem to make progress toward this new life I have envisioned for myself and then fall back in fear and doubt. I seem to be confused about exactly who I am...I don't seem to fit my old identity anymore, and it feels as if my new identity is still forming. It makes for some very confusing, hard times. So far, I have been able to persevere and continue pushing myself further on this journey. There are times though, when I think I will just give up and try to go back to my old life as a programmer. I hope I don't, that just feels wrong now. At times I feel excited, certain, and purpose driven, but mostly I feel unclear and unsure. Unsure of who I am, unsure of what I am doing, and unsure of where I am going.
There is one thing that I am sure of though...I don't want to be scared anymore.
2 comments:
I read an interesting article in a magazine about 2 researchers who found that humans literally have a biologial defense mechanism that often prevents us from making changes in our lives. Part of the mechanism is an anxiety response, which obviously leads to feelings of fear. I'll have to give you a copy of it to read, it is really interesting. I know it sucks to be scared, but I also think it's ok. You're moving into unknown territory and don't know what the future holds. There are no guarantees in life, so I think at least you're acknowledging it and dealing with it the best you can. You are more brave than you know to be moving forward, even in the face of fear. YOU ROCK! I admire you.
Not strong enough or good enough for who? Who do you keep measuring yourself against? Whose expectations?
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