Clearing Out the Clutter

Recently, I have been trying to get organized and simplify my life by going through all of my "stuff" and getting rid of all the clutter. I am handling this the way I always do when I am trying to clean...I pull everything out of every drawer, closet and box (yes...I have a back room full of boxes packed with various and sundry items) and sort through it all. Some things go straight into the trash, but it always seems that more items get placed on this or that pile to be shredded, filed, donated, or given to my third cousin's second son.

I came home today, saw all of the piles of stuff (okay, I admit it...it's junk) laying here and there, willy-nilly all over the place and thought, "Egad! My place is a mess. I need to cram all of this stuff back where it came from so that everything looks neat and orderly again. Then I can have company over and I will feel better about where I live." That is when it hit me...this is exactly the same thing I do when I try to deal with the other "stuff" in my life (that's right...I'm talking about personal problems and mental issues here). I spend a lot of time meditating and reflecting on my life so that I can dredge up, identify and catalog all of the things about me that I want to change, improve, or take energy away from. I get to a certain point and then think that I have to put it all back where it came from so I can be around people and feel better about me.

It occurs to me that what I need to realize is that it's when things look the worst...when all the junk is pulled out into the open for all to see...that I am actually closest to having a clean, uncluttered, simple kind of life.

A Place of Infinite Possibilities

I was thinking today about people in my life whom I have loved. Once we love someone, I'm not sure that we can ever stop. The love may change...it may become less consuming or morph into a more gentle, caring kind of love...but I think it is still there. There have been times, usually at the end of a relationship, when I have told people that I loved, that I would always love them. While this is true, the thought came to me today that a better way to say this might be that they will always be in my heart.

This thought reminded me of a conversation I had with a Christian several years ago. They said that they did not believe in dating, they believed in courtship. Basically, what this meant was that the couple would never be alone together. They would only be together in group settings such as a community picnic, a family dinner, or a church softball game. If all went well, if the pair seemed compatible and the families approved, the couple would get engaged and, eventually, married. This seemed odd to me, so I asked why the couple couldn't just date. That seemed like a much simpler, easier, and probably faster way to determine compatibility. I was told that if a couple dated, spending a lot of time alone together, especially if anything physical happened (even goodnight kisses), strong feelings could develop. Then, if things didn't work out, neither of the pair would be able to give their whole heart to their spouse (assuming they eventually found them) because a portion of it was taken by the person they dated.

Regardless of the respective merits of dating and courtship, I think that this view of the heart is much too limited. I believe that loving is always good and that the heart is infinite. No matter how many people we love, there is always room to love one more...and the purity of that love need never diminish. Actually, I think the more we love, the more like God we become. He holds us all in His heart at all times and loves all of us to the extreme.

Order in the Court

Late one night several years ago, I was driving from Woodbridge to Ashburn. I had come north on the Fairfax County Parkway and was cutting over to Route 28 at Franklin Farm. I was trapped behind a very slow moving vehicle on Franklin Farm Road, so, when the opportunity presented itself as we turned onto Centreville Road, I passed. I suppose I was a bit annoyed at having been trapped, because my foot was a bit heavy on the gas pedal. As I stopped at the red light at the intersection with McLearen Road, a Fairfax County police car pulled up behind me and turned on its lights.

Now, while not a frequent occurrence, I had been stopped for speeding several times before. This time, however, was a little different than any other. The officer had me take a field sobriety test and used a breathalyzer. I had drunk no alcohol and, when this became obvious, the cop seemed disappointed and decided to search my car. He told me that he really should take me to the station (not really sure why) but that he was going to give me a ticket and let me be on my way. He wrote me up for reckless driving due to excessive speed...58 in a 35 mph zone (Hey! I said my foot was a bit heavy, didn't I?)

After doing a little research, I found out that all forms of reckless driving are a class 1 misdemeanor and carry a maximum penalty of one year in jail. Now, I had no desire to spend any time in jail so I decided I would get a lawyer to defend me. Several attorneys I talked to said there was nothing they could do for me and one said he had a solution...all I had to do was pay him $1,000 and he would tell me how. Well, I was not going to pay him one thin dime unless I knew what his strategy was, so that didn't work out so well. When I went to talk to the final lawyer on my list, I told him my story and he started to laugh. This was not the reaction I had expected. He told me to wait one moment, pulled out a book and looked something up, and then chuckled again. Apparently, reckless driving due to speed in Virginia was defined as (1) going faster than 80 mph, (2) exceeding the speed limit by 20 mph or more where the speed limit is above or below 35 mph, and (3) exceeding the speed limit by 25 mph in a 35 mph zone. After reviewing this with me, the attorney told me he would not be coming to court with me...he said that the appearance of a lawyer in court might tip the prosecution off that something was up. Instead, he gave me copies of the Virginia code section and specific directions on what to do and say in court and sent me on my way...no charge! (If you need a really good attorney for criminal charges or traffic violations, let me know and I will give you his name and number).

I sat in court on the appropriate day, nervously reviewing all the information that my lawyer had given me. When my case was called, I pled not guilty and was brought forward. I stood at one podium and the arresting officer was across the room at another. We were both sworn in and then the officer was asked to describe the offense and the stop. He did so, and ended by saying that I was charged with reckless driving due to speed. The judge thanked him and then turned to me. Here it was...my big moment...I swallowed a few times and then...

"Your Honor, I would like to make a motion to strike."
"On what grounds?", the judge replied with a lift of his eyebrows.
I swallowed again, gulped some air and said, "According to the Virginia code of law, section 46.2-862..."

As I read the section to him, the judge smiled and then said he would have to look at the code.

"I have copies of that section, if you would like to see one", I said, just a little too smugly (bad move on my part...never be smug with a judge).
"No, no...I have my own copy", the judge said as he pulled out a book. He flipped some pages, scanned the text and then said, "Officer, you should check this out, it's very interesting reading."

At this point, I should have been free to go since I was obviously not guilty of the charge of which I was accused. As my lawyer had warned me though, it's the judge's courtroom and he can do as he pleases. In this case, it pleased him to lower the charge to speeding and fine me. I have to say, I was okay with that...it certainly beats jail time.

The best part (well...okay...the best part was getting out of reckless driving, so this would be the next best part) was that, as I left the courtroom I could hear someone follow me out. Once out of the courtroom and free to talk, the man behind me spoke.

"Excuse me, what code section was that?"
"46.2-862", I replied, "Would you like a copy?"
"Yes, thank you!" he said enthusiastically. "I am a lawyer and that was just great...one of the best things I have seen in court!"

So there you have it, my big day in court successfully defending myself and narrowly avoiding a year in jail (okay, I'm exaggerating...but it did feel good). Just one word of caution: The Virginia code has since been changed and the strange exception for 35 mph zones has been eradicated.

Where Are We Going?

I went into my meditation today with the thought of trying to get some guidance on where my life was going...where I would end up and what I would be doing. It seemed to be taking me longer than usual to calm my mind and get into a relaxed state. Thoughts kept whirling up from the depths of my mind and disturbing me. I kept acknowledging them and setting them to the side for later. I did feel a sense of peace, but just didn't seem to be getting into that "magical" state of meditation. Then, suddenly, I saw and felt the beat of a mighty pair of wings. I looked around and saw a large hawk. I saw him, and, next thing I knew, I was flying with him.

As we flew over a beautiful green forest, I asked him where we were going. He just told me, "Follow me."

When we flew over some majestic white-capped mountains, I asked him what our destination was. Again, he replied, "Follow me."

We flew over an infinite plain of waving grasses and sparkling blue waters and, one final time, I asked him where he was taking me. He turned, looked into my eyes, and said, "Why are you so concerned about where you will end up? Just enjoy the amazing journey of getting there."

The Man with Two Red Shoes

A long time ago in a far away land called Suburbia, there lived a boy. This boy grew up in a good home with two loving parents. Every day, in many different ways, he would receive messages that he was safe, cared for, and surrounded by love. However, at the same time, he was receiving other messages of a different sort: you must always do things the right way, you can never trust yourself, and you must never stand out but must blend into your surroundings (standing out was especially bad...if you stood out, you would be noticed and being noticed came with consequences). Day after day, these messages were broadcast and, little by little, they oozed their way into the boy's psyche.

Years passed and the boy grew to be a teenager. The messages he had received had an impact on his life but, perhaps because of the rebellious nature of the teenage years, the boy fought against this programming. One day, he went out and bought a pair of red hi-top converse all stars (the plan was to buy a pair of black ones as well and then wear one of each...sadly, this never happened). The boy loved his new shoes and couldn't wait to wear them. They made him feel good and edgy and like he would be the center of attention when he wore them.

The first time he wore his shoes was to meet a new friend one evening for dinner. This was a friend that the boy was trying to impress and whose opinion the boy valued greatly. After the first few minutes of conversation upon their meeting, the talk turned to the shoes.

"They are very red," said the friend.
"Yes!" the boy replied, thinking this was a definite plus.
"Much too red for me, I would be embarrassed to wear them!" the friend replied with disdain.

With this statement, the boy realized that what was meant was that his friend thought he should be embarrassed wearing such shoes...and that his friend was embarrassed to be seen with him wearing them. Crushed, the boy went home that night, took off his shoes and packed them away. Every few years, he would come across them, dust them off, and remember that there was a time when they gave him a good feeling. Then the shoes would be packed away again to gather more dust.

While the matter of the shoes was a small thing, it was followed by many more similar small things. With each small issue that arose over the years, the boy, now a man, would try to do the right thing, never trusting himself but rather following what other people said so that he could blend in and not be noticed. This continued until, one day, the man looked in the mirror and realized he didn't recognize himself. He no longer had any idea who he was. From that day forward, he began a search to find his real, true self. The search continues, but one thing is certain...if he comes across those red shoes again, he is going to put them on and dance a dance of pure joy.

The moral of the story: Every day, in every way, in even the smallest, most insignificant matters, be true to yourself and let your true self shine. It will make for a happier you and a better world for all of us.

The Bucket List

Since I posted my 25 things here, I figure I will do my bucket list too...

Things I have done during my lifetime:

( ) Gone on a blind date...no, but I figure my chances are good if I date someone who is blind
(X) Donated Blood
(X) Skipped school...but don't tell my mom
(X) Watched someone die...one of my least favorite memories
( ) Watched someone be born...can't decide if this would be amazing or kinda weird
(X) Been to Canada...Newfoundland...one of the most amazing places I have ever been
(X) Been to Mexico...Cabo San Lucas...during a hurricane
(X) Been to Florida...lived there...I don't recommend it
(X) Been to Hawaii...one of my favorite places on Earth
(X) Been on a plane
(X) Been on a helicopter...in Hawaii...I got to sit up front in the "bubble" while the theme to Magnum PI played
(X) Been lost...some would say I still am
(X) Gone to Washington, DC
( ) Hugged a homeless person...no, but I am up for it...everyone needs a hug now and then
(X) Swam in the ocean...Indian, Pacific, and Atlantic
( ) Swam with Stingrays...not that I know of
(X) Been sailing in the ocean
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
(X) Played cops and robbers...but can't remember if I was a cop or a robber
( ) Recently colored with crayons...no, but I wish I had
(X) Ran a marathon...can I count this multiple times? ;-)
( ) Sang Karaoke...for some reason I have a strong aversion to this
( )Volunteered at a soup kitchen...no, but I should...seems like a worthwhile endeavor
(X) Paid for a meal with coins only
( ) Been to the top of the St. Louis Arch
( ) Seen the Northern Lights
( ) Been Parasailing...surprising I haven't done this...yet
(X) Been on TV...hardly counts though...I ran by the camera at a marathon
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't...too many times to count
(X) Made prank phone calls...also used to make anonymous calls in college...if I got a girl, I would read a story to her...one of my friends actually got lucky from me doing this
(X) Been down Bourbon Street in New Orleans
(X) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
( ) Rode on an elephant
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X) Fired a gun...and hit the center of the bulls eye...amazing how luck works
(X) Danced in the rain
(X) Been to the Opera
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(X) Serenaded someone
(X) Seen a U.S.President in person...Obamarama!
(X) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(X) Watched the sunrise with someone
( ) Driven a race car...nope, just a cool simulator
(X) Been to a National Museum
(X) Been to a Wax Museum
(X) Eaten caviar...don't enjoy it but, for some reason, I keep trying it
(X) Blown bubbles...as long as we aren't talking about Michael Jackson's chimp
(X) Gone ice-skating
(X) Gone to the movies
( ) Been deep sea fishing
( ) Driven across the United States...hoping to do this later this year...still up for it Ryan?
( ) Been in a hot air balloon
(X) Been sky diving...accelerated free fall, baby!
( ) Gone snowmobiling...no, but I think this would be wicked fun
( ) Lived in more than one country...unfortunately, no
(X) Lay down outside at night and admired the stars while listening to the crickets
(X) Seen a falling star and made a wish
( ) Enjoyed the beauty of Old Faithful Geyser
( ) Seen the Grand Canyon...but I will if that cross country trip happens
( ) Seen the Statue of Liberty...never even been to New York...shocking isn't it?
(X) Gone to the top of Seattle Space Needle...and have pictures to prove it
( ) Been on a cruise...no, but might be going on a wine cruise in the near future
(X) Traveled by train...back from Machu Picchu
(X) Ridden a motorcycle...but only about 100 feet
(X) Been horse back riding...if trail rides are considered riding
( ) Ridden on a San Francisco cable car...would have to be in San Francisco to do that
(X) Been to Disneyland OR Disney World...many times...even ran a marathon through all of the Florida parks
(X) Truly believe in the power of prayer...Amen!
(X) Been in a rain forest
(X) Seen dolphins in the ocean
( ) Been to Niagara Falls
( ) Swam with dolphins...no, but I did snorkel with a giant sea turtle
( ) Been to the Olympics
( ) Walked on the Great Wall of China
( ) Been spinnaker flying
(X) Been water-skiing
( ) Been snow-skiing
( ) Been to Westminster Abbey
( ) Been to the Louvre...no, but I think it would be cool
( ) Been to a Major League Baseball game...not that I wouldn't, but no real desire to
(X) Been to a National Football League game...go Steelers!
(X) Swam with sharks...actually found myself chasing one to get a picture...then realized what I was doing
(X) Been White Water Rafting
( ) Written a book or screen play...no, but I have always thought I would
(X) Traveled to more than five countries...and the count keeps going up
( ) Driven a limousine
( ) Seen the Eiffel Tower in person...does King's Dominion count?
( ) Been to London
(X) Been on a Trans-Atlantic Flight
(X) High-Rolled in Las Vegas
( ) Taken part in a "Dine-n-Dash"...that would just be wrong
( ) Been to a professional boxing/wrestling match...no, and really don't want to
( ) Saved someone from drowning...no, but I was saved by my mom
( ) Walked on a Nude Beach...not yet, but I am willing
( ) Been to the Bahamas
( ) Rode on a camel
(X) Caught fireflies in a jar...but I never could get enough to read by their light
(X) Been camping in the woods...is there anywhere else to camp?

Love

Love...that's it...just Love!

Get busy living or get busy dying

Wow! What a great morning...and what a great morning for a run!

So, I went for a run this morning (another 5 miles...see I'm trying) and had just reached that point where running turns into something deeper for me, when a phrase popped into my head...Get busy living or get busy dying. It comes from a line in the movie The Shawshank Redemption. Andy is talking about having hope and says to Red, "I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying."

I pondered this phrase and let it roll around my head a bit until I came to a realization. I think that I haven't been very busy living for a while. It seems that everything I do lately, I do tentatively with a slow moving, wait and see attitude that has me feeling that life is passing me by. Always afraid that I am attempting something I can't handle or making bad choices that will ruin my life. I get fired up about something and try to make some real progress towards my goals only to retreat when the voices in my head start feeding me these negative thoughts: You don't... You won't... You can't... What if...

Well, I think it is time to make some changes. To just throw myself into whatever I attempt and give it my all. If it becomes clear that I made a bad choice, I will choose anew and carry on. If I find myself moving away from my goals, I will change course and get back on track. If my goals change, I can reevaluate and adjust accordingly. The important thing is to be alive, full of life, and fully participating in my life. To follow my heart and hopes and dreams toward the fulfillment of the purpose of my life.

It's time to tell the voices that I hear them, but they have no power over me.

It's time to dive headlong into whatever I do, damn the consequences.

It's time to get busy living.

It's TIME!

The Ghost of Love Past

So, I was just poking around on my computer and found this poem. I wrote it for someone and then never got the chance to send it to them. It sounds a little greeting cardish to me (most of my poems do), but the feelings were sincere. I don't know if they ever knew exactly how I felt, but I guess it doesn't matter at this point. In any case, here it is...

Whenever I am near to you, a feeling comes over me;
a strange and wondrous sensation, that just wont let me be.

It warms my heart, it soothes my soul, it makes me feel complete;
it lights the fire of my passion and makes me feel the heat.

I hope that you can understand exactly what I feel,
it's plain and pure and simple...a love that is real.

All will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well

I had planned to post some stories of times when I defied death, but I think that is going to have to wait. Some things have happened recently that require me to make some choices. Could just be minor things, or could turn out to be life altering decisions. Needless to say, I was a little freaked out over what I should do. There is what I want to do, what I think is the right thing to do, what I think is the sensible thing to do...and on and on. These thoughts just kept cycling around in my head until I just couldn't think straight. I went to the store to pick up a few things and I found myself at the checkout with a cart full of junk...junk which I took home and promptly started to devour in a fit of frenzied, anxiety-driven eating. Suddenly, I realized what I was doing...how counter productive and unhealthy it was...and a little voice inside me woke up and said "Go for a run!"

Now, I had not been for a run in quite some time. I kept meaning to, but somehow I never actually made it. So, I headed out with the thought that I would just go for a very quick, short run...maybe just a mile, two at the most. I started to run and soon my body was in the flow of it and my mind went off somewhere far away. My being just filled with a peaceful feeling and there was an upwelling of happiness...not the kind of happiness that relies on external stimulation, but the kind that just has you smiling for no reason...happy to be alive in such a beautiful world. In what seemed like no time at all, I found myself finishing five miles and feeling invigorated with all the anxiety and the swirling thoughts gone.

While I have no idea what the "right" choices are or what course my life will take as a result, my run helped me to connect with that part of myself that knows that everything will be all right. I will take the moments as they come, follow my heart as best as I can, and know that, even when I make the wrong choices, the universe has a way of getting me back on the path of my purpose in life.

Perhaps what I really need to think about is why I am not running more often. I know that running settles my mind and helps me to connect with spirit. Profound things have happened on some of my runs. The only time I think with any certainty that I heard God's voice was during a run. I have had very wise, trusted, and dear friends tell me that I should run...that it helps me to connect and stay grounded. So, why don't I run? I have no idea, but I am going to endeavor to make running a part of my daily routine. With the weather starting to turn nicer, this should get easier. In any case, if you happen to see me, feel free to ask me how the running is going...hopefully the answer will be a good one.