Fear

Oh, when will I ever be free

Of all this fear holding tight to me

And this scared little boy inside

Who is always ready to run and hide?

Fog

Where did all this fog come from?

Seeping into my soul

Dim and grey and lifeless

And making me so cold

No matter how I struggle

and try to push it away

It just eddies all about

then comes right back to stay

I can't see where I'm going

I don't know where I've been

I'm just lost here in this mist

with its dampness on my skin

I hope the sun will come out

and burn it all away

For now I'll just wander

and try to find my way

Black Snake Moan

I went for a run yesterday morning in the park behind my house. There is a really nice trail there that goes through a meadow and wetlands, under grand, spreading trees and by the river. It is also nice because one lap around the trail is pretty close to a mile...makes it easy to measure your distance (okay, okay...it's under a mile and I have a tendency to round up...so shoot me). It was a beautiful morning for a run and I was thoroughly enjoying myself. I had made several laps around and was feeling 'in the zone', which may explain why, when I came around one of the turns, I almost trod right on a great, big, black snake. He was laying stretched out across the trail and seemed to just be sunning himself, as he wasn't moving. I have been running this trail a lot in the last couple years and I had never seen a snake out there. This was quite a snake too...had to be more than 3 feet long and had quite a girth. He was a very shiny black color and looked very intimidating. But, since he was a black snake and I have always heard that they are harmless, I just side stepped around him and continued on my way. As I passed him, he didn't even seem to take notice of me. When I came around on my next lap, I was surprised to see that he was gone. I just chalked it up as one of those 'interesting things that happened on my run' stories.

Then, around six last night, I went up to the office at my apartment complex to pick up some packages that had been delivered there. Usually I drive up, but decided that I could use a walk. When I turned down the path that leads to the side door of the office, I noticed that there was a group of people just inside the door. The gym is right there, so I just figured that they knew each other, maybe had just finished at the gym, and were standing there talking. When I got to just a few steps from the door, I realized they were looking out...and down. I glanced down and, right where I was about to step, there was another very large, black snake. This one also was just laying there calmly, so I stepped around it and went in the door. When I left, a few minutes later, he was gone with no sign he had been there. Two big, black snakes trying to get me to step on them in one day seemed a bit odd, so I told myself that I should try to look up the spiritual meaning of snakes...but, when I got home, I opened my packages and got absorbed in them so I forgot about the snakes.

I don't usually dream...at least I don't usually remember my dreams. However, last night I had a dream of a big, black snake. I don't remember the details, but when I woke up I had the feeling that it was significant. I realize that seeing two snakes in one day could just be a coincidence and, after seeing them, dreaming of a snake may not be all that surprising. But, I was left with the feeling that there was some kind of message for me or some meaning behind it and that I should at least see what google had to say about it. Here is what the first hit had to say:

In writing about Snake Symbolism, Gillian Holloway, Ph.D. wrote, "People who are dying or who have lost a loved one often dream of snakes, at or near the time of death. For whatever reason, these dreams seem involved with the psychic awareness of the transition from this life to the next...."

Hmm...and this all happened just about a week away from the one year anniversary of my mom's death...interesting, no?

Happy Birthday!

Birthdays are a special time,

A time to reminisce.

A time to think what life has brought,

All the sadness and the bliss.

A time for celebrating,

With those that we hold dear

All the things in life that shaped us

And brought us another year.

I hope your day is special

You deserve all the best,

Surrounded by love and laughter

With a life that's truly blessed.

A Look Back...My Newfoundland Journal

I spent a week in Newfoundland a few years ago. I went there to run the marathon and spent the week prior just driving around the country, seeing what I could see. This trip was a lot of firsts for me...first time to Newfoundland, first time running a marathon in another country, first vacation with no real reservations or plans, and it was the first time I have ever kept a journal. I was doing some cleaning this past weekend and stumbled across that journal. I read through the entries and was able, in some small part, to recapture the wonderful, fresh, and exciting feeling that I had on that trip. I decided I wanted to share that feeling if I could, or, failing that, at least provide some entertainment. So, to that end, here is my Newfoundland journal...

********

9/10/2007

I spent the morning at the North Atlantic Aviation Museum. Kind of interesting and I think I got some good pictures. Also went to the Tourist Center/Chamber of Commerce to get some maps. Interesting that many places appear to have free internet service for customer use. You never see that in the States. Still no sign of my luggage…called to check on it but got someone in India who was just reading a script. I hate that! Stopped at a dollar store to buy this notebook and picked up a Mars bar. It’s just a Milky Way in a different wrapper, go figure. Resisted the urge to buy a Big Turk…can always get one later. Think now I will run by the airport to see if that yields better results.

Well, no luggage yet, but it may be on its way. It’s hard to be upset with the Air Canada people because they are so nice. I had a very pleasant conversation with them about things to do while I’m in Newfoundland. Seems there is a possibility I will see some bear and moose…how cool is that? Now I’m going to grab some lunch and then head to the Silent Witness Memorial (a memorial for the troops and crew who lost their lives in the worst air disaster ever on Canadian soil). Hopefully, after that, my luggage will be here.

The memorial was nice, down by Lake Gander. It started to rain, but not too badly. I also stopped at the Howe Demonstration Forest and hiked a couple of trails there. There was a sign warning that moose and bear had been sighted, but I didn’t see any *sigh*. The visitors’ center had some cool stuffed animals…lynx, fox, coyote (we’re talking taxidermy here, not plush toys). They were very life-like, so I got some pics of them. I stopped for lunch at McDonalds, not sure why I didn’t go someplace better. Now it’s time to check on my luggage again. I really hope it is there now.

Well...things are not going smoothly. My luggage has disappeared without a trace. I am giving up and heading to St Alban's...if they find my luggage; it will be sent to me.

Yay! My luggage was found and I will get it in the morning. Newfoundland is so beautiful, all pine trees and water. The only annoying thing is that the roads have no shoulder, so there is no way to pull over and take pictures.

St Alban’s is really beautiful in a picturesque bay kind of way. People here are so friendly. Just spent a bit of time with Claude, the bartender at the Pub Lounge, and had a great conversation. He even gave me my 2nd beer free. Came back to the Inn and, even though the restaurant was closed, they made me a sandwich and fries that were delicious. I love this place.

OMG! I just saw something you never see in the States anymore. A car pulled up to the local gas station and an attendant actually came out to pump the gas…amazing! The thing you really notice in St Alban’s at night is how dark and quiet it is. I don’t think I have experienced quiet like this since I was in the mountains at Virginia Tech. It is so wonderful.

I went back to the Pub for a couple more beers and a little video poker. Had fun and enjoyed the Molson Canadian.


9/11/2007

Darn it! I got up this morning and no sign of my luggage. I’m gonna have to buy clothes if it doesn’t show up soon…I’m sick of wearing the same thing.

I just had an excellent breakfast at the Inn. Now I think I will do some more exploring and get some pictures.

Finished exploring and came back to the Inn to find that my bag still wasn’t here. Decided to walk up the road to Riff’s to buy a shirt…really tired of the one I am wearing. Came back to the Inn, changed into my new shirt and got lunch. Of course, now that I had broken down and bought a shirt, my bag decided to show up. Oh well, I’m just glad to have it. I meandered down the road and stopped for a beer and a chat with Claude. He told me that St Alban’s is known for raising beautiful girls. Tonight is ladies dart night, but Claude thinks all the hot girls are off to school…but their moms will be there. Since I am here tonight, I guess I won’t want to miss it. Went down to the library to check my email…looks like the world is surviving without me. This is such an incredibly peaceful place, I am doing just fine without the world as well. Think now I will go for a little drive around.

Drove around a bit and got some good pictures. Stopped and finally got that Big Turk bar…mm-mm. Came back to the Inn and planned the next part of my journey. I like it here but it is getting to be time to move on. Before that happens though, I am going to check out ladies dart night at the Pub.


9/12/2007

Wow! Ladies dart night kicked my butt. Of course, that could have something to do with the two shots of Screech that I drank. I bought one just to see what all the fuss was about and Claude threw in the second one for free. He said that two was my limit though…and it’s a good thing. The ladies of the aforementioned dart night didn’t really trust me at first because of my camera (guess they don’t get too many tourists here), but by the end of the night, we were all fast friends. I even met the mayor and got invited to her husband’s 50th birthday party in November. She asked me to stop by her office in the morning because she liked some of the pictures I had taken of the town and wanted to get copies. It seems that she is not just the mayor, but also works at the Coast of Bays Arts & Exploration Centre. I’m definitely feeling fuzzy this morning (thanks Screech) but it is time to move on.

Left St Alban’s and headed north. I did stop by the Centre and got the mayor’s card with her email address to send pictures. She was very nice (and perhaps a bit worse for the late night), gave me a tour and let me watch a short movie on the Coast of Bays. Said my goodbyes and headed on my way. I drove for a while and found that I needed a pit stop, so I took a random exit and ended up in Norris Arm North. It was very pretty, being right on the water and all, but not much there…and no bathroom. Got back on the highway and found that the very next exit was the one I wanted, the one that led to Twillingate. Of course, there were all kinds of places to stop off that exit. Could have saved myself some time and some bladder stress if I had come straight to this exit…but then, I guess I wouldn’t have seen Norris Arm. I used the bathroom at Tim Horton’s and then had lunch there. Gassed up and headed out on the road again. Made a couple of stops for pictures, during one of which I met a nice couple who said not to miss the Twillingate lighthouse. Continued on and finally made it to Twillingate. The town was a typical waterside village…very scenic with a nautical flair. Headed to the lighthouse and was amazed when I got there. It was like the end of the earth…sheer cliffs and then nothing but ocean. I scrambled around on all the trails and took a slew of photos. The sun was out and the weather was gorgeous. I actually needed to shed my jacket due to the warmth. It was a welcome change after cold rain all morning. I stayed in Twillingate for a couple of hours just taking pictures and soaking it in. As the sun sank beautifully below the horizon, I decided it was time for me to move on to my next destination, Salvage (rhymes with rage).

I made it to Gander, about an hour from Salvage, but too tired to go on. Got a room at the Sinbad for the night and will head to Salvage in the morning. So, the Sinbad advertised a business center, which the desk clerk told me was a room with a computer, fax machine, and copier. I went to check my email but found that the computer was gone. The monitor, keyboard, and mouse were all there and the cables were all unplugged and laying on the floor, but no sign of the CPU. Discouraged at this, I went to the bar, but I did not have a drink…not after the extravaganza of ladies dart night last night. Played a little video poker and really cleaned up. I put $20 in and got $48 out…not bad, hunh? Then it was definitely time for bed.

A couple of notes on Canada…or Newfoundland anyway:

1. People walk everywhere. There are always people out walking along the road. I thought maybe they did it in St Alban’s because it is such a small town, but seems to be true everywhere.

2. Bathroom light switches are outside of the bathroom. I have yet to find a light switch in a bathroom. Makes sense I guess, as you never have to walk into a dark room.

3. Housekeeping means efficiency. When I was checking in at the Sinbad, the clerk said all she had was housekeeping. I pictured myself sleeping amidst piles of sheets and towels, but she meant a room with a stove and fridge.


9/13/2007

I slept really well…although I did have some strange dreams. One was a very odd episode of Magnum PI where Higgins ended up in a cage with a woman wearing a blanket. Luckily, I woke up before it got any more bizarre. Now I think it is time to see about breakfast and head to Salvage.

Drove to Salvage and found the hiking trails. I spent several hours going up and down the surrounding hills. I saw some incredible views and captured it all on camera. It was so much fun that I thoroughly enjoyed myself. On the way out of town, I found the beach (Salvage is supposed to be a beach town). I didn’t think it looked like much of a beach, but I took a few pictures and met a nice woman who was enjoying the day reading in the sun. I bade farewell to her and to the beach, and headed toward the town of Trinity.

On the road to Trinity, AOL called me. Seems there was some kind of problem at work. Great! That’s just what I wanted, to talk to work. After struggling to find a signal in the rough hills between Salvage and Trinity, I was able to lend what assistance I could and then continued on to Trinity.

Arrived in Trinity and got a room at one of the B&B’s in town. It was called Bishop White Manor and I was in no less than the Bishop White room itself, which apparently features the bishop’s very own bed. I took a walk around the town to see the sights and found Trinity to be a very quaint, cute little town.

********

Unfortunately, it was at that point that I, for some reason I no longer remember, stopped keeping a travel journal. I hope that the few days that I have detailed and the links that I provided have in some way shown what an amazing time I had on this trip...or maybe they have kindled an interest in taking your own trip to Newfoundland. In any case, I hope you enjoyed reading my journal (Lord knows, you must have to make it all the way to here) and may all your journeys be awesome adventures.

Mmm...Fritos and Mountain Dew

I posted this on Facebook a few days ago but I like it so much I figured I would put it on my blog as well:

A Look Back at the Year of the Ox

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2009 was the year of the Ox (or Buffalo). Here is what I found out about an Ox year...

We will feel the yoke of responsibility coming down on us this year. No success can be achieved without conscientious efforts. The trials and tribulations the Ox year brings will be mainly on the home front. It is a good time to settle domestic affairs and put your house in order.

This year will no doubt bear fruit, but the motto is: "No work, no pay!" Time waits for no man; if we are too lazy to sow then we can blame no one if we have nothing to reap. We will find a great many things requiring our attention, and the list of what needs to be done will seem endless. The Spartan influence of the Ox will be a constantly cracking whip over our heads. Better to apply oneself diligently than waste time arguing with the authorities. They will prevail, as the year of the Ox favors discipline.

Most conflicts this year will arise more from a lack of communication and refusal to give in on small technicalities than anything else. But hang on and be patient. Everything will be sorted out and we will be rewarded for our efforts.

So let's just take a closer look at my Ox Year...here is a month by month listing of events, milestones, and various and sundry "stuff":

January

• Vertical Tasting - My very first vertical, Breaux's Cabernet, and I am sure it will not be the last. What's not to love...excellent wine, great company, and...my goodness...there is a lot of wine to taste.
• The Darkest Day - My spirit was broken and my heart was shattered, but something inside of me was freed...this is when I started to really write poetry again.

February

• The Dark Continent - Headed to Africa for an incredible safari, my birthday on Mt Kilimanjaro, and beach time on Zanzibar...not to mention the massages, tarot readings, and fire ceremony. Shared a room with someone who started out as a complete stranger (no, that isn't commentary on how odd they were) and ended up as an awesome friend.
• Miami Bound - Headed south for warm weather and a workshop on an energy system that was new to me. Made it about half way through before I realized I needed to flee or risk becoming part of a cult.

March

• Opportunity Knocks - Yes, after a glorious year and a half without a job...I mean, seriously, does anyone else do unemployed as well as I do...I was made an offer I couldn't refuse and rejoined the work force. Good grief! I hate being a productive member of society.
• The End of a Career - When the aforementioned job started, I had to say goodye to my career as a massage therapist before it even began. Not to worry though, my hands are still magic and are available on a pro bono basis.

April

• The Enneagram - I discovered this amazing system of the nine basic personality types of human nature and their complex interrelationships. I learned a lot about myself and my patterns. I'm a Type 9...The Easygoing, Self-Effacing Type: Receptive, Reassuring, Agreeable, and Complacent...no, really...I am.
• American Odyssey Relay - Participated in a twelve person relay race from Gettysburg, PA to Washington, DC. Lessons learned: don't try running after wolfing down a quarter pounder with cheese and fries, don't try to sustain a 7 minute mile pace while running uphill, don't miss a turn in the darkness of the overnight runs, never forget to bring along a sleeping bag, and...200 mile relay runs are an incredible amount of fun, especially when you are running with awesome people.

May

• Healing Touch - Had my first experience with this energy healing that would later have a huge impact on my life. It brought about very subtle but amazing changes in my body, mind, and spirit...thanks Stacy!
• Road Trip to Denver - Made a cross country road trip with a good friend. It was basically a non-stop blur, except for a brief stop in St Louis. Highlights of the trip were the City Museum (an eclectic mixture of children's playground, funhouse, surrealistic pavilion, and architectural marvel made out of unique, found objects), Pappy's Smokehouse (mmm...the Big Ben), and Nederland (otherwise known as Hippieville).
• Erin Go Bragh - Took my first real trip to Europe and went to Dublin for two weeks of "training" for work. Hung out at the Hairy Lemon pub, saw the Book of Kells (even more amazing in person!), and visited the Guiness Storehouse...I have said it before and I'll say it again...the Guiness is so much better over there.

June

• Beach Wedding - Headed to Florida to see my niece married on Pensacola Beach. What could be better than nuptials amongst the sand and surf? Attending with one of my very best friends, that's what.
• Healing Touch Class - I so enjoyed my Healing Touch sessions, I decided to learn how to be a practitioner. What an amazing, energy-filled, healing weekend!

July

• End of an Era - After a very long battle, my mother succombed to breast cancer. While this saddens me greatly, I was able to ease her pain with some Healing Touch and so shared a moment with her that I will remember for ever.

August

• Sailing Takes Me Away - Helped my friend sail his boat from Shoansy in Deltaville, VA back to Washington Marina in DC. With our brave and sure skipper and our amazing motley crew, we managed to survive the stairs of doom, the Shoansy bear, the vagaries of the wind, and, worst of all, Dragon Joose.
• My New Roommate - An old friend of mine, Keone, came to live with me. Unlike other women, she and I don't fight over the bathroom...but she does lose more hair than most.

September

• Jimmy Buffett - Discovered the secret to really enjoying this concert...keep tailgating! Cheaper drinks, comfortable seats, music at a tolerable level, and, best of all, took only two minutes to get out of the parking lot. Nothing says Buffett like gallon jugs of tequila and kitty litter toilets.
• U2 - Got club level seats from work for the 360° tour. One of the most amazing shows I have ever seen on a stage that holds the world record for the largest concert structure. One valuable lesson learned...if it is cold outside and the drinks are on the bus, stay on the bus.

October

• Swine Flu - Had a little visit from H1N1. Got me out of a week of work, but I would hardly say it was worth it.
• Marine Corps Marathon - Did not have a great race as I had muscle spasms around mile 21 and had to walk quite a bit. On the plus side, I raised money for St Judes...and started the great Chuck Norris debate.

November

• 5k Mania - Ran three 5k's the week of Thanksgiving, with two of them being on the same day. Managed to do very well, posting sub sevens in two and just slightly higher in the other...however, I did end up with a bit of an injury.
• Orphan's Thanksgiving - Joined some friends who were not going to spend Thanksgiving with family for a potluck dinner. Had a fanshmabulous time and one of the best Thanksgivings ever.

December

• Vegas, Baby - Went with a group of friends to Las Vegas to run the Rock n' Roll Half Marathon. Had a great time at the race, visited the grand Canyon in a helicopter, saw Cirque du Soleil's O, and, best of all, played UFO Stomper (think Guitar Hero for the feet).
• O, Canada! - Took off for the great white north to visit a friend and see the sights of Toronto. Visited the Hockey Hall of Fame (saw the Stanley Cup), went to the top of the CN Tower (the world's highest observation deck), got to wander and wonder around the shores of Lake Ontario, and finally got to see Niagara Falls. Resisted the urge to go over the falls and was able to smuggle back some Tim Horton goods.
• Charlottesville Blizzard - Went to Charlottesville for the weekend to see a shaman and visit some wineries. Was amazed by the shaman but the wineries never happened due to the excessive amount of snow that came hurtling out of the sky. The weekend was not a total loss though...got snowed in at the best B&B with the best backgammon partner ever.
• Christmas - Had the orphans over to my place for a Christmas brunch, mimosas, and gifts all around...not the least of which was sharing the pleasure of each other's company. This marked the first time I have ever had people over on Christmas and, while I can't speak for everyone, I thought it was marvelous fun.
• New Year's Eve - I had the most wonderful New Year's Eve ever! You just can't go wrong with a tux, a bottle of Dom, and six of the loveliest ladies ever.

Hmm...trials and tribulations on the home front...no work, no pay!...the sowing and the reaping...a constantly cracking whip over my head...I see all of that in my year, and it made most of the year very unpleasant if not downright miserable. Thankfully, I was able to hang on and be patient (well, for the most part), everything seems to have sorted itself out, and I definitely feel that I was rewarded with how the year ended...although I don't think it was from my efforts.

Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Night

When the weather turns cold

And the snow starts to fly

When the leaves all fall

And all the flowers die

Don't be downhearted

And be of good cheer

It simply means

That rebirth is near

A time to reflect

On all that we've done

A time to ponder

What we'll become

So we all celebrate

The days and the nights

With parties and gifts

And bright colored lights

But the most important thing

At this time of year

Is family and friends

All those we hold dear

With love in my heart

I wish all of you

A very Merry Christmas

And Happy New Year too!

A Walk in the Woods

Walking in a winter rain

I'm suddenly filled with joy

It's cold and wet and muddy

But I feel just like a boy

Splashing through the puddles,

And sliding on the ice

Wondering at the beauty

Of nature's every device

My laughter keeps me warm

And my heart shows me the way

As I hike through the woods

On this cold, wet winter's day

This Magic Moment

Often times I wonder

How my life would be

If each new day began

A clean new slate for me

No pains from the past

To haunt me in my present

No worries for the future

To spoil my content

There'd only be this moment

This current, present Now

A constant state of Being

Of flowing with the Tao

I know one day I'll find it

And live that kind of life

One that's full of joy

And always free of strife

Cause everything I need

Is here inside of me

Waiting for me to realize

Only I can set me free

The Phoenix

Broken, battered,
Bruised, and sore
My poor heart
Can take no more

Its flame's gone out
The light grows dim
So much pain
Life just seems grim

But then a change
When least expected
Remembered hope
Has me resurrected

Like a phoenix
From the ashes
My heart revives
In fits and flashes

Before I know it
It's burning bright
Lighting my way
Pushing back the night

I follow along
As it leads the way
To a better place
And a brand new day

There and Back Again

I went for a run in the park today. At one point, a squirrel broke out of the bushes on the side of the trail and started to scurry across the path. It crossed just a few feet in front of me, and then, sensing that there could be danger, it ran back across and into the bushes from which it had come. This really got me wondering. The squirrel had already made it across my path...it actually put itself in more danger by crossing in front of me again to go back. How often do we do this? We use our instinct, following our hearts and pursuing our dreams, when we sense what we think may be danger. We immediately think that the way to safety is to go back...to stop who we are becoming and go back to who we were. Why do we never realize that there can be safety in forging on and moving forward?

Something else that I noticed on my run was how beautiful everything was. Of course the trees were beautiful, swaying in the breeze and glowing green from the sunlight. But there was beauty in the decaying remains of a fallen tree too. The brown spotted leaves of one tree may have appeared to be a blemish on the beauty of the woods at first glance, but, on closer inspection, I saw the miraculously intricate web of a spider spun amongst the leaves. This got me to thinking about the interconnectedness of everything and spun the following poem from the gossamer of my thoughts:

World Wide Web

The world is a web through which we're connected

Through the action of one we are all affected

You can not escape, struggle as you might

This web which you are in holds on too tight

Yet its embrace is soft and gentle as a kiss

To be connected thus, can bring true bliss

There's no poison bite, no venomous sting

Coursing through this web, love is the thing

Loving yourself is most important of all

Don't feel insignificant, don't feel small

For when you give yourself love, it radiates out

Starts as a whisper and builds to a shout

Its ripples are felt all the way to infinity

It reminds us all to reach for our divinity

So always remember, treat yourself with respect

Be mindful of others, for we all connect

Each action you take across the web will disperse

And impact us all, for better or worse

Heart Is Where the Home Is

No matter where you go

Wherever you will roam

I hope you always know

in my heart you have a home

A home that's always open
And waiting just for you
Always warm and welcoming
For when you're passing through

Regardless of the length of stay
You're forever welcome here
Visitor or resident
You'll always be held dear

In my heart there are no doors
No bars or locks or keys
No one held against their will
So come and go as you please

I hope that you will come and stay
At least for a goodly while
For when you're there I've not a care
And all I do is smile

If, however, you never come
And stay there not a bit
A home for you will still be there
My heart will never quit.

The Gift

Those of you that know me, know that I have been on something of a quest for the last couple of years. I have researched and investigated many different things, but I have felt especially drawn to something called energy healing. I have looked into several different forms of energy healing, but it wasn't until recently that I felt as if I found something that really clicked with me. Several months ago, I took a class in Healing Touch and really connected with it. Perhaps this was just the right time for me, but at this class was the first time that I was able to sense energy and feel as though I was actually doing something substantial.

Around this same time, my mother was in the final stages of terminal cancer. I wanted desperately to help her, but wasn't sure what I could do. Healing Touch actually has a technique that is supposed to help with transitions (and what transition is greater than that of moving on from this life), but I didn't think my mother would understand or appreciate me standing over her and performing the technique. I talked this over with one of my mentors, and they told me that intention was the primary thing...there was no need to actually perform the technique, just stay grounded and set my intention for the highest good of the person I was working on.

I went to visit my mom on Friday, July 3rd. At this point she was bedridden and, while she could still talk, her voice came out very rough and broken and she rarely finished her thoughts. I went back to her bedroom to visit with her along with my sisters and I tried to do some energy work inconspicuously, but with no luck. After about a half hour or so, I noticed that my left foot was kind of hurting. Nothing drastic, just a pain that I tried to massage away. My mom fell asleep and my sisters and I went out to the kitchen to talk (*** Why is it that all serious conversations take place in the kitchen...is it because knives are near...or maybe because there is always comfort food nearby ***). After a short while, I got up and noticed that I could no longer support my weight on my left foot...I had to limp to get around.

My mom woke up and we all went back to "talk" with her some more. I again tried to do some energy work, this time actually going through the chakra spread (the transition technique) in my mind while I tried to stay grounded and feel the energy. It was no use...this was even worse than before. I could feel nothing and had a really hard time staying grounded. I just kept seeing my mother laying there in pain and couldn't focus. After a short time, she fell asleep again and we all left for the kitchen...with me limping very badly.

After some time visiting with nieces and nephews, sisters and brothers-in-law, I went to say goodbye to my mom, as it was time to leave. My sister and I went back to the bedroom so I could say goodbye. When we walked (and limped) into the bedroom, my mom was writhing around on the bed saying in a rough voice, "Help me, help me...my body...help me." I felt that I couldn't just leave with my mother in such pain, so I stood by her bed and started to pray. My sister was called out of the room for some reason, and, at that moment, my mom lifted her arm in the air. I took her hand in my left hand and placed my right hand on her head. I just let go and tried to allow God's healing energy (what I consider the basis for energy healing) to flow through me. I tried to focus solely on feeling the energy flow between my two hands. Right at the point where I thought I could feel it, I heard a clear, calm voice say, "Thank you!" I looked down and saw that my mom's eyes were wide open, clear, and free of pain. She had stopped writhing on the bed and now just lay there looking at me.

"Thank you," she said again. I stared at her in amazement and awe and she said, "I love you." I bent down, kissed her on the forehead, and told her that I loved her too. "Thank you," she said again, and then looked me in the eyes and said, "I love you , Kip (a family nickname)." Then she smiled...a small smile, but one which had her looking like my mom...like she hadn't looked in years. I smiled at her, told her to stay out of trouble and that I would see her next time. Little did I know that next time would be the following Monday, the day she died.

I don't really know what happened that night at my mom's house...and I don't really care. I know what I think happened, and that is all that matters to me. I know that my mom had been in pain and then she wasn't. I know that my mom and I shared a moment that I will never forget...probably my favorite memory of her. While I believe that I gave her the gift of a moment free of pain, I know that she gave me the gift of that moment...and that is a gift I will carry in my heart for the rest of my life.

Oh...and when I walked away from her bedroom that night, I was no longer limping.

In the Moment...

As I am want to do, I went for a run this morning. I went to the park behind my apartment, where there is a trail that makes a loop that is just about a mile long (this makes judging distance much easier). It is a wonderful trail that goes beside the green, well kept grass of soccer fields and then into the underbrush and band of trees that line the Potomac River. On one of my trips around the circuit, I came to a spot where I saw Rabbit nibbling on some grass. He looked at me, paused a moment, and then darted into the thicket. As I passed by where he had disappeared, I said a friendly hello and continued on my way.

When my next trip around the trail brought me back to that same spot, there was Rabbit, just hanging out munching on his sweet grass. Again, he looked at me, paused, and then hightailed it into the dense underbrush. "Poor fella", I thought, "I'm disturbing him." I tried to send him a message that was something along the lines of "I come in peace" but I didn't think he was in the mood.

Once again I traversed the cycle that the trail provided and, once again, there was Rabbit. He was just as calm as could be, trying to finish his meal. As in the other times, he looked and then ran away. As I went past, the thought occurred to me that this rabbit was just living in the moment. He was able to put the past behind him and go about his daily routine as soon as the danger he perceived was gone. He didn't worry about what had brought this monster into his world and he didn't worry what would happen if this giant, lumbering thing came back. What an amazing way to live! No baggage from the past to haunt me and no worries for the future. All I would have to do is be open to the present moment and anything that it might bring.

On my last time around the loop, I figured Rabbit would be gone since I had finally received the message that he had worked so hard to pass on to me. Imagine my surprise when I rounded the corner and saw that my friend, Rabbit, had come back and, just to ensure that I got the message, he had brought his friend Deer. I had to laugh when I saw that. "I got it...I got it," I said as I went past. I continued on my way home with a lighter heart and an uplifted mind.

Quite the lesson that Rabbit taught me...but, then, it is only right as I was born in the year of Rabbit

Friendship

It seems to me that friendship

Is oft hard to define

Whose meaning are we using?

Is it yours or is it mine?

Some would say a true friend

Is one who's always there

One who will support us

To show they really care

Yet at times we need to stumble

Sometimes to fall down too

A friend who lets this happen

Is still a friend to you

For if we had no trials

And never searched our soul

We'd make no forward progress

Our lives would not be whole

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

To this I say not so

A friend is for the moment

And then we must let go

And if perchance tomorrow

Another moment brings

My friend we'll be together

With no demands or strings

At times we can hurt a friend

While never meaning to

The measure of that friendship

Is if they forgive you

My friendship is not perfect

I'm just a human man

And so I love my friends

In the only way I can

To me they are a treasure

A rare and priceless gem

They're in my heart forever

I hope they know I love them

Sunlight

Your love is like the sunlight

Shining down on me

It warms and caresses

And makes me feel carefree

Everything looks different
In your love's true light
Full of life and vibrancy
A blessing to my sight

Sometimes the clouds pass over
And hide your love from me
I know that it's still up there
It's just that I can't see

Through the rain and through the snow
And through the storms so fierce
Like an arrow from the bow
Your love will always pierce

But at last the darkness falls,
The sun has finally set
No weeping and no wailing,
No talking of regret

Instead I'll be rejoicing
That I walked within your light
And hoping for a new dawn
To end this lonely night

Reflections

I look in the mirror
and what do I see?
A fractured image
staring back at me

So many faces
all around,
splits and schisms
seem to abound

Is it possible?
Could it be?
Are all these faces
facets of me?

I don't know why
I'm so divided,
split apart
and many sided

But I'll try
to merge as one
all these pieces
come undone

As they blend
and reunite
I have a hope
I'm holding tight

That when at last
I reach my goal
I'll be myself
hale and whole

And then I'll shine
with an inner light
of purest love
burning bright

Web of Lies

Through a tangled web I weave

just trying to not get lost

Seems everyone is out to deceive

no matter what the cost

They say that truth will set you free
but how can truth be found?
When ears wont hear and eyes wont see
in illusion you'll be bound

And so the people in my life
can drive me to distraction
It's not that they are full of strife
or want a chain reaction

It's not that they don't care at all
or that their love is fake
It's just that they can feel so small
and in their heart's an ache

So I'll try my best to ease their pain
and all the hurt thereof
to show them how the truth can reign
with gentle caring love

Then perhaps one day they'll be set free
and know that inner peace
that comes about when you can "be"
and let the falseness cease

Just Add Ice...

Here is another short poem that I found lurking on my computer. I wrote it several years ago and promptly forgot about it. I can see why...can you say overdramatic and bitter?

Blended Love

When you give your heart to someone

And they treat it with gentle loving kindness

Awed at the gift that you have given them

You just don't expect it

When one day

They put it in a blender

and hit puree